Time to play....the MORON GAME!!!!!!

You have to go back a pretty long ways in the annals of great sports press conferences to find anything remotely close to the tragicomedy on display today in College Station. Everyone's familiar with the great press conference meltdowns of all time: you know Jim Mora's 'don't talk about playoffs' rant, you loved Dennis Green's 'they are what we thought they were!' explosion, and you vowed never to talk shit about anyone from Oklahoma State within a 300 mile radius of Mike Gundy's sensitive ears.

These press conference meltdowns are fun in their own right, but the Aggies managed to surpass all of them on the basis of sheer unintentional comedy alone.

First, (and if I may speak as an Aggie for a moment) WHY DO YOU CALL A NEWS CONFERENCE? THIS STORY'S NEWS CYCLE ENDED LAST WEEK. EVERYONE FORGOT ABOUT IT! IT'S OVER! TELL ANYONE WHO CARES TO ASK THAT YOU'RE HANDLING IT WITHIN THE PROGRAM AND OH LOOK, A KEG OF BEER...YOU LIKE BEER, RIGHT!!!!! Fortunately for us, Dollar Bill felt the deep primordial urge to get up in front of the world and drag his coach through the mud two days before the biggest game of the season.

Second, the admonishment. Admonish. Such a funny word. With their super education, Aggies know what it means, but this poor Tceh grad had to look it up. And imagine my disappointment when I found out admonish didn't mean 'demand a blowjob in return for overlooking a serious failure, mistake, or shortcoming'. It would have been so fitting (somehow, Fran is eminently easy to imagine as a leather daddy). But alas, admonish means to advise or caution. What? Your coach is releasing detailed information to boosters to do whatever they damn well please with, and the best you can come up with is to advise or caution him not to do it? Dammit, I wish my job was this easy! Sorry about that building falling down. I will take your advice to not let that happen again.

What a disappointing cop-out.

If you're going to pick past the moldy, maggot encrusted hulk of Britney Spears' custody battle in the rancid dumpster of news no one cares about anymore to get to this story, at least give it some bite. Why not fire Fran and his staff today and bring back RC Slocumb for the rest of the year, with Jamaar Toombs as offensive coordinator/strength and conditioning coach? At least those two would relate to the most important players...Arrrrrceeeee and Stephen McGee could talk about the great Aggie traditions while sharing a jizz jar and Jamaar and Javorskie Lane could surreptitiously sneak off to the nearest Holy Grail of disgusting lardos, White Castle. Seeing as how the nearest one to College Station is in Murfeesboro, TN, the two would be gone for awhile, but that would sit well with Aggie fans who know they're getting fucking demolished this weekend with or without him and would cherish the ready made excuse/moral victory potential.

However the release of the Franletters to the public (with names of players delightfully redacted) more than made up for any lack of teeth in Fran's punishment. If I may speak as an Aggie fan again: WHY THE FUCK WOULD YOU RELEASE THE LETTERS? JUST TELL ANYONE THAT WANTS TO KNOW THE SPECIFICS OF THE CONTENT THAT THERE WAS PRIVATE INFORMATION ABOUT PLAYERS AND YOU DIDN'T WANT TO PUT IT IN JEOPARDY! GOOD LORD I AM ABOUT TO HANG MYSELF! Here are some of my favorite excerpts

Apparently reporters two days ago, in an interview with [name redacted] got the impression that he reported to camp at the 268 pounds he weighed last spring after a long bout with mononucleosis. The NY Times reported that, and the beat writers followed up on it. He is, as only you know, heavier than the 282 he weighed going into the Texas game.

When told of the line of questioning based on the perception of [name redacted] weighing 268, Amy Bragg, our registered dietician in charge of performance nutrition, commented, “Yes, he is. And I’m 6-feet-2.” (She is 5-2.)

Still and probably repeating ourselves, [name redacted] looks the same – nimble and powerful – in practice. He gets winded quickly. “He is working hard,” Coach Fran said.

Yeah, we have no idea who that could be (snicker). But you have to love the bubble of delusion surrounding Fran. Yeah buddy, only those super special VIP's knew that Javorskie Lane was a complete fatass. Good thing you have this super secret newsletter to let your fans in on that secret.

For the week leading up to the Texas game last year: (and this needs to be broken up)
The motivational ploys this week include (and all of this is confidential):

The athletic trainers staff decorating themselves and the traing [sic] room in all-Longhorn motif all week. Athletic trainer David Weir just came up to inform Coach Fran of something, and he’s wearing a burnt orange t.u. staff shirt. When you enter the room for treatment a huge orange sign covers up the words “Texas A&M” and therefore reads, “Longhorn Athletic Training Room.”

How cute, they call Texas t.u. Because they're actually UT, but we don't capitalize it and put it backwards and that pisses the T-sips off oh so much. Right. It's times like this that you have to love the laid-back attitude of Mike Leach, who always has the same demeanor week to week, and most definitely doesn't resort to middle school tricks like these, and even more assuredly won't end up in the state sanitorium sawing the horns off a paper Bevo cutout with blunted scissors and muttering 'Mack I love you but I hate you' under his breath.

They have posted little signs all over the room with off-putting statements on them, such as “Chad Schroeder: not good enough to play for Texas.: and “Kirk-I’m Always Holding-Elder.” And “Yemi—I’m Too Soft—Babalola.” One that cuts like a knife says, “How do you get Obiozor out of the game? Put in the Scout Team.”

Let's see, true, true, true, and I had no idea Fran recruited Jews. I bet the one that cut really deep was 'Coach - Thank God for Ladanian Tomlinson - Fran.

In keeping with the spirit of raising consciousness to as high a level as possible, there is a set of longhorns hanging from both goal posts at the practice field. At the end of the week (tomorrow) we’re going to saw them into small pieces.

Laughing.

We had “Bevo Food Bits” in small dishes in the department the last two days for snacks.

Laughing a little bit too hard.

The training staff, imps, that they are this week, are then going to throw the orange shirts they’ve been wearing all week into the bonfire, er, uh, camp fire.

Coach, on behalf of Texas, Tech, and Baylor, thank you.

Thank you Fran and Bill Byrne for the great times. This illustrious team will most definitely not be together to entertain us next year, thanks for going out in the most spectacular manner possible. Thank you for the blowout losses, the unbelievable gaffes, the specious optimism, and most importantly, thank you for the never-to-be-lived-down internet material. It's been quite the ride.