good grief charlie brown

Heisman Trust = Lucy as the placeholder.

If our QB had USC or Nebraska written across the front of his uniform they would have already mailed the stiffarm trophy to him a week ago.

Ridiculous.

Petition

(5:45 pm)

Coach,

Why the constant "keeping my options open" behavior? You have repeatedly indicated you want to stay in Lubbock, but hop the next flight to Seattle? I get the whole "I'm a lawyer and this is just part of the business of coaching and negotiations" thing, but it seems like you enjoy twisting our nips a little too much and they're starting to get a little sore and it ain't exciting like it used to be...

I'm in position number one on the bandwagon - always have been - but for all that is still holy could you please turn on your freaking cell phone?

Seems like we're always negotiating in good faith while our partner keeps jerking it to every single December issue of Hustler ever since we got married...it's not helping our already shitty self esteem one single bit.

Now, please stay.

Because we love you.

And we know you beat the shit out of us occasionally, but you make us feel safe...and the offensive explosions are out of this world - occasionally you aren't that into it - but for the most part I look forward to our Saturday nights with lustful abandon...you take us into your arms and tell us how wonderful we are and then you do that thing you do where you throw me all over the place...

Nobody does it just the way you do...

Come back.

I suppose these bruises will heal just like they did last time...



(8:39 pm)


(note: my frustration has led to foul language in this post, if you're up past your bedtime, call your mommy and tell them a bad man on the computer has spoken inappropriately toward you. For our regular readers who may be slightly appalled, I promise I'll go buy Hillsong's new CD right away and repent soon after)



I propose a resolution/petition - sign it if you like...


Resolved,

We the People of Raiderland, in order to form a more perfect fan base, establish 1st tier-e-ness, insure collegiate tranquility, provide for a better defense, promote the genital welfare, and secure the blessings of ftwinity to ourselves and our...well mostly ourselves, do ordain and establish this Petition for the United Commuter Lots of Raiderville....



A petition for Mike Leach to go freeze his balls off in Washington...where it rains all the fucking time and Grey's Anatomy isn't really filmed there.

Or to go to Mississippi State where you can smell the chicken shit all the live long day...cause I don't care what you say that is far more disgusting than the feedlots of Hereford...

And finally, if you're stupid enough to go to Auburn and risk being the next guy on their stupid gay orange and blue carousel, then go be Nick Saban's bitch because I'm sure that will taste so much better than Stoops' ass...




Signed,

Aphrodisiac Jackson, Texas

"Step away from the ledge, Mr. Collier."

Wow. That really sucked. To be honest, I am not all that surprised that Tech lost. I am surprised by the margin, however. I really thought our boys would give a better accounting of themselves. But hey, anything worth doing is worth doing all the way: if you are going to drop a stink bomb like that, you might as well do it before a nationwide audience on Saturday night. Yep, that was great.

Why was I not all that surprised? Because I am a pessimist by nature. This tendency doesn't serve me well most of the time, but, when things go bad, I am usually less taken aback than the people who always walk around on happy feet. But I must admit, this one hit me hard. I had really started to buy into the hype, feeling like Tech had a legitimate shot at the Big XII title, and who knows, maybe more. I know a Big XII title shot is still theoretically possible, but c’mon: who really believes Okie State will beat the unofficial NFL franchise of Oklahoma?

Because of my pessimistic nature, I prepared for this loss by deciding to avoid watching the game in the company of others, and instead, opted to go it alone. I could tell, by the end of the first quarter, that it was not going to go well. By the middle of the second quarter, I became so distraught, I turned the TV off and retreated outside, where I cracked open a bottle of wine. I dispensed with the fancy glass and, in a scene reminiscent of a 1950’s western, where the bad guys trade whiskey with the Indians, began chugging it straight out of the bottle. But this was a pretty good cabernet, not rotgut. “Hmmm… An amusing little firewater. Presumptuous, yet eminently palatable.” I drank myself into a stupor and quickly fell asleep.

I awoke the next morning with a sense of dread and a terrible hangover. People around me acted as if somebody had died. All the sharp objects had been removed from their usual places of storage. My firearms were hidden away. People kept their distance. I avoided watching any sports-related reporting on television. I didn’t look at the newspaper. I went to the office and logged into the computer, and in a blurb on the MSN web browser, I saw the score. Holy shit.

My mind sort of went haywire. This couldn’t be. How could they blow it that badly? I ran into some doofus later, one of those “zippiddy do dah” sunshine pumpers; he is the type who, even under normal circumstances, makes me want to kick the stuffing out of him. He wanted to talk with me about the game. He tried to convince me that it wasn’t all that bad. He is now buried beneath the floor in my onion cellar.

However, time does heal all wounds. Well, at least it helps abate the hangover from drinking a full bottle of Franciscan. Discussions with people much better adjusted than I am (that covers pretty much everybody), including my fellow scribes on this blog, have helped me see that it’s not the end of the world. I’ve managed to cobble together a few seemingly healthy rationalizations why:

1. I can quit sweating it. I’ve been fretting this all season; this game I mean. At the beginning, I said if we could go 10-2, I’d be pretty happy. I always figured the game in Norman would be one of those losses, with another thrown in just to satisfy my pessimistic side. Now, I can quit worrying about it.
2. We’re 10-1, with a decent shot at going 11-1. If you’d told me that at the beginning of the season, I’d have been thrilled.
3. Just a bad day? I’m still convinced that Tech is not as bad as they looked on Saturday. This was, as I see it, one of those “perfect storm” things. There were a lot of things lining up that made this outcome occur. It was in Norman, always a tough place to play. Stoops may be a turd, but he can coach and he can damned sure motivate his players. He knew he’d need to turn Tech into a greasy spot to make a statement for the pollsters. His players were still pissed from last year. Plus, our guys just did not seem to have the intensity they had against UT or OSU. I’m not sure any level of play by Tech could have overcome the OU steamroller last Saturday, but I suspect the lopsided score wouldn’t have been quite so, well, lopsided, had Tech not been flat.
4. Hey, blowouts can happen to anybody. Tech did it to Kansas this year. To OSU too. UT got blown out by OU by 52 points just 5 years ago, and by 49 points a few years before that. The folks who dealt Tech this butt kicking got beat pretty bad by USC in the Orange Bowl a few years back. It happens. It sucks when it does, but, it happens.
5. Maybe we get to keep Cap’n Mike. One of my other things to sweat was, and is, Coach Leach leaving us for another, bigger school. Face it, before this loss, most of the talk was about him hauling ass. The humble folks from Tennessee kept posting on their Scout board that Leach was already as good as there, that they “could have him if they want him” and that nobody would choose Lubbock over Knoxville. I never really thought Leach would be a good fit there, if, for no other reason, that I don’t think he’d want to be at a school with a double negative in its fight song. Still, the talk caused such trepidation that people started websites to collect funds to bribe him to stay. I hear somebody started trying to erect a faux mountain near his home to try to combat the “flat Lubbock" vs. “we got mountains” swill the Tennessee people kept spouting. To this end, somebody managed to pile up 30 feet of cottonseed hulls in his backyard by the time of Saturday’s whuppin. Now, it’s not that I think Coach Leach isn’t going to be sought after anymore, because I know better. He’s the most innovative coach in the country, and he will surely still be wooed. However, he may not seem quite so bootylicious now. Let’s face it: all the Simonize, buffing and elbow grease in the world can’t put a shine on the turd Mike’s team laid in Norman last Saturday. Maybe he’s less of a hot commodity now. More importantly, however, maybe this will make him want to stay and prove this blowout was a fluke.
6. At least the Tech game had implications. Not all that long ago, we’d have been at 5 & 5 and coming down to the wire needing a win just to get into some crappy bowl. The fact that Tech was in a game of this magnitude means that the program is progressing. You’ve got to go through stuff like this to get to the promised land. As I’ve heard a lot of people who should know say, it takes a lot of talent and more than a little luck to get to a national championship. Any good team can have setbacks (see above). Tech now has to show it has the character to put this loss behind them and keep moving on. I think they can, and I think there is nobody better situated to do this than Coach Leach.
7. This loss can be liberating. A guy I sort of know suggested this, and he’s smarter than me (that’s damning him with faint praise, but he really does know something). He’s right: I can have my life back. I gotta be honest…I was getting a little obsessed there. As each win was amassed, I’d get more and more wound up. I kept bargaining, making all sorts of crazy deals. Heck, I even promised to get my tax returns done “early” if we could just win the Nebraska game. Tech won, and a deal is a deal-I got them in on October 14, a full day early. It was unprecedented. The cost of these bargains kept going up. At one point, I almost said “If we can just beat Texas, I’ll…I’ll, well…I’ll stop drinking!” Note that I wrote “almost.” Come, on, who are we kidding here? I love Tech and all, but let’s be reasonable. I offered up a garage cleaning instead. As the season progressed, things started getting downright scary. I even said I’d be willing to give up some somewhat unnecessary bodily appendage if Tech could just beat OU in Norman. I settled on my pinkie toe. I guess it’s a good thing we lost. I need that pinkie toe for balance on my follow through. Now that we’ve lost, life can settle down a bit. I can quit playing The Matador Song on my ipod, my dog can take off the little TT t-shirt I’ve been making him wear, and I get to keep my body parts. It’s all good.
8. There’s still some ball left to play. Tech can still make a good showing against Baylor, I hope, and maybe go to a decent bowl game and do well. It’s looking like the Cotton Bowl, which is a bit of a disappointment given our earlier ambitions. But hey, at least it’s a New Year’s Day Bowl, and moreover, I’ll save on travel costs. Sure would have liked to see Miami or Phoenix, though. However, in the back of my mind, I’m still hoping for a minor miracle in Stillwater (See? I’m not a complete pessimist.)

So, you see, it’s not the end of the world. Things could be worse. Life has its setbacks. We all have them, and this is how it goes. If these reasons aren’t good enough for you, there is always one more thing you can consider. The one thing that I always find consoling, and I bet it works for you, too: At least we’re not Aggy.

5th and inches - Week 13

A 6-5 week ATS last week, 11-1 straight up winners/losers. For the year now, 83-56-1 ATS and 122-33 straight up. It's a huge week in the Big 12, here's hoping we can all make it the last 48 hours to kickoff.

**Thursday**

#23 Miami (ESPN HD) @ Georgia Tech (3') - Miami takes to the Thursday night air for the 2nd straight week in pursuit of the conference that no one really seems to want. Carolina's had the inside track in their division, but can't close the deal. Virginia Tech's faltered when they had a chance to grab control. And now there's Miami, with a loss to Carolina, but a win last week over Va. Tech, and now they hit the road to Ga. Tech, which may throw the ball 10 times a game. I think it's another low-scoring game with lots of defense, which makes covering more than a field goal tough to do. Somewhere in there, someone has to wrap up their spot in the ACC, and I think Miami can take a big step to that tonight. Miami...18-14.

**Saturday**

#2 Texas Tech (ABC HD) @ #5 Oklahoma (7) - I heard somewhere that this game is important. Frankly, I needed the off week last week as much as either team did. Both offenses are flying, both defenses a little bit suspect, in so much as neither fan base thinks the opposing defense will stop their afore-mentioned flying offense. What Sooner fans don't want you to know is that they haven't really been able to beat Tech the way they want to. After Taurean Henderson scored to beat OU on the final play of the game in '05, SoonerFan promised that Tech would be beaten so badly in Norman the next year that they might actually be killed. Instead, OU found themselves down at the half and had to survive with a late TD to win 34-24. Hell, even the goofy Sonny Cumbie team lost 28-13 in Norman. Hardly the zillion-to-3 score that's predicted North of the Red River.

Look, bottom line is this. Both teams will move the ball, and both teams will score. Can Tech win in Norman? Sure. Could they lose by 3 TDs? Sure. That's just kinda how this football game is. But I don't see the latter happening. And if it's going to be close, as I said for the Texas game, may as well take Tech to win it outright. Tech...41-38.

Iowa State @ Kansas State (10) - Ron Prince is on his way out. Iowa State is playing better. I wouldn't be surprised if the 'Clones can find a way to win here. KState...38-30.

Syracuse (NBC HD) @ Notre Dame (20) - Greg Robinson is out at Syracuse, and Charlie Weis is on various hot seats, while others claim that's not true. Regardless, it'd better be a big seat. Notre Dame...34-10.

NC State (Raycom HD) @ #22 N. Carolina (11) - It's Rivalry Week, at least that's what ESPN keeps telling me. This is usually a good candidate for a real brawl of a game, but State's been hard to figure out this year. Carolina, home after a tough loss @ Maryland, can keep themselves in the ACC mix with a win, which I think they will. Carolina...27-17.

Michigan (ABC HD) @ #10 Ohio State (20') - Never thought I'd see this game with a 3TD line on it. Never thought I'd take it, either. Ohio State...35-14.

#15 Michigan State (ABC/ESPN2) @ #8 Penn State (14') - The Sparties are hard to figure, beating a bad Michigan team in the closing minutes, bombed by Ohio State at home, trounced Northwestern at NW. Here, they get Penn State to close Penn State's season. Penn State...31-13.

#14 BYU (The Mountain HD) @ #7 Utah (6') - Utah tries to keep their BCS hopes alive. Should be a pretty entertaining game, if you can see it. BYU...34-31.

#20 Pitt (ESPN2 HD) @ #19 Cincinnati (5') - Another Top 25 matchup here. I think it's close and decided late. Cincinnati...31-24.

Florida State (ESPN HD) @ #25 Maryland (1') - Florida State is a bit dinged on defense after losing a player after Darius McClure hurt himself while celebrating an interception. I like the speed of FSU here, even if they're not in warm Florida. FSU...23-20.

Boston College (ABC/ESPN2) @ Wake Forest (2) - The BC "D" is the difference here. Boston College...19-17.

Army (ESPN Plus) @ Rutgers (17') - Tough to like anyone by more than 3 scores against Army. Rutgers...27-20.

the hype is killing me

OMG.

ESPN, please stop it already. My stomach already churns all day. And the work is piling up on my desk because every time I turn around I get an e-mail from a Tech buddy that has a link to a story or a video that I've already read or seen about 4 times.

Did you know Leach was the subject of an article in The New York Times Magazine by Michael Lewis? And then the NYTM did a follow-up interview with Lewis and Lewis still thinks we're David and UT and OU are Goliath? And that OU is favored by 6.5 to 7 and that Bob Stoops never loses in Norman, unless you count all the times he's lost to UT in Dallas?

I'm terribly grateful for all of the great pub TTU is getting, though - for years we've strolled along in relative anonymity - and so it's cool to see Tom Rinaldi reporting from AT&T Jones Stadium like he's doing pregame for the next Indy @ New England showdown. I'm like a kid in a candy store here.

To be able to have conversations with fellow college football fans and have them congratulate me on a great season, like I did anything to contribute to it....well....there was that time I puked in the bushes outside the auditorium after the Nebraska game, but I'm betting that doesn't count.

So for all of you struggling to make time go by a little quicker, a prayer...


God grant me the serenity
to reject the fact that ESPN is attempting to control my mind and wallet;
the courage to tell that OU alumnus that he's a dickweed;
and the wisdom to go to Baylor.

Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time until kickoff, so I can start binge drinking again;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to onesinglesolitarybig12titleisthattoofreakingmuchtoask;
Taking as He did, this world full of Colorado fans
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to Erin Andrews;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with a BCS title
Forever and ever,

Amen.

All apologies to Jesus and such...


but can we get to kickoff already?

BREAKING NEWS OUT OF LUBBOCK!

(Lubbock, TX) Sources close to the Texas Tech Athletic Department said Wednesday that Mike Leach has been named as the replacement for Mike Leach when he inevitably leaves the program.

This news comes before the biggest game in the history of this year as the 10-0 Red Raiders get ready for a showdown with 9-1 Oklahoma in Norman Saturday.

"Well, we just want to make sure no stone is left unturned," Gerald Myers, Texas Tech Athletic Director said. "We all know Mike, and Mike is going to do what Mike is going to do. So we thought it best that he replaces himself at some point."

Speculation across the nation is that some top programs like Tennesssee, Washington, and Syracuse are all interested in the Texas Tech coach to come lead their program and not be too weird, an unnamed source said.

"Well, I'm just focused on us getting better each week and getting ready for OU," Leach said. "It's an honor to be named the head coach designate here, and I just saw in the news that a baby hippopotamus was born at a zoo in Switzerland. I was at a zoo in Switzerland this summer. You know the interesting deal about hippopotami and whales evolved from the same prehistoric animal. It's, uh, kind of a neat deal though that they just like to spend their days wallowing around in the mud, which doesn't make them much different than some other animal characters you'll find. Like a pig."

5th and inches - Week 12

A so-so 8-7 week against the line last week...11-4 straight up. Season totals now stand at 77-51-1 ATS and 111-32 SU. Tech gets a BYE this week and frankly, as alums and fans, we need it. Should be a great weekend for the footballs next weekend, but in the meantime, we've got your Thursday/Saturday slate ready to go.

**Thursday**

Virginia Tech (ESPN HD) @ Miami (5) - Some Thursday night football as the wacky ACC season winds down. As of this morning, I think 2 teams are out of contention. Everyone else is still alive. Low scoring affair in Miami tonight, I'd think, and could likely swing on a big special teams play from someone. Miami...24-20.

**Saturday**

#3 Texas (13) @ Kansas (FSN HD) - Texas has a recent history of struggling in late-season roadies...and this one is supposed to be fairly cold...at least if you listen to Austin radio this week. Muddying the picture somewhat is that Texas lost their backup center to an ill-advised Facebook posting, then lost their starting center to an ill-advised knee injury in practice. So it's a freshman at center and I think lots of shotgun snappage. Still, Kansas can't stop anyone and that doesn't bode well for them, Senior Day or not. Texas...38-20.

Texas A&M @ Baylor (8) - This one would be fun to watch, but we don't get to see it. Baylor, a TD+ favorite deep in the Big 12 season. You'd have to go back to the late 90s for some of that action. Baylor may win, but I think it's a 4th-quarter game, to go cliche on you. Baylor...34-31.

#12 Mizzou (27') @ Iowa State (FSN HD) - Mizzou roared out quick last week, then kinda went cruise control on us and shut it down and didn't cover. 4 TDs is a big number, but 'Zou has a chance to really sew up the North here. I don't think they let up this week. Mizzou...44-20.

#13 OK State (17) @ Colorado (ABC HD) - We'll see how quickly OSU can turn around after a drubbing, especially in the 2nd of 2 straight on the road. I have a sneaking suspicion this one is closer than the number. OK State...30-21.

Nebraska (7) @ Kansas State (FSN PPV) - I like the Children of the Corn here. KSU has fired their coach, recruits are switching commits, it's a full-on party in Manhattan right now. Nebraska...34-17.

Northwestern (ESPN2 HD) @ Michigan (4) - Hard to believe saying something "Man, what a big road win @ Minnesota for Michigan," but that's what it was. Michigan...23-14.

Notre Dame (3') @ NAVY (CBS HD) - Navy snapped like a forever-long losing streak to the Irish last year. I think they'll start a new one this week. Notre Dame...27-20.

SMU @ UTEP (9') - In this week's Coin Flip Pick o' the Week, I'll take Potpourri for $600. UTEP...38-34.

Mississippi State (ESPN HD) @ #1 Alabama (20) - Intriguing game here, with 'Bama coming home off the OT road win @ LSU. Miss State has won 2 straight over the Tide, and I think hasn't allowed an offensive TD in either game. Or something like that. State still can't score, and the Tide doesn't exactly score 5 TDS a game. So laying 20 is kinda tough to do. Alabama...27-10.

#25 South Carolina (CBS HD) @ #4 Florida (21) - Another great one here, with Spurrier heading back to Florida. The media wants Florida in the BCS title game so badly they can taste it. Florida wins...but closer than the experts think, as Corso would say, whatever that means, being that he's supposedly an expert or something. So does that mean if he thinks it's close, and then it's supposed to be closer than close, could it actually wind up in negatives? Florida...29-14.

#16 North Carolina (2') @ Maryland (ABC) - Interesting Maryland team, coming home of a road loss and getting a ranked Carolina team in search of a possible BCS date down the road. The line is close and the game should be close as well. Maryland...21-20.

Smack Attack

These are the salad days my friends. Actually, they’re more like the strip steak at Ruth’s Chris days. After years of hitting the buffet at Sizzler, we finally have a shot at the big time (the theme song from The Jeffersons just popped into my head). This is uncharted territory for many of us old timers, who suffered through years of 6&6 or 7&5 seasons, just hoping for an invitation to the Odoreaters Bowl in Paducah, Ky. on Dec. 10th. ( “Hey, are you going to the bowl game?” “Naw, I gotta clean the gutters.” "Going to watch it on tv? It's going to be on channel 87 at 2:00 a.m." "Nope. Gutters." ).

These unusual times have resulted in some unusual behavior for me. I find myself lingering around the doors of my fellow office workers who are UT grads talking college football. I no longer have to endure listening to them drone on and on about their wealth of talent and the all but assured shot they will have at the National Championship, with their occasional condescending acknowledgement of Tech’s good performance on Saturday against Northbynorthwest Polytech and Tech’s “spunky little running back who we looked at but passed up for Ricky Williams/Earl Campbell/Vince Young/Superman.” Even those arrogant clowns are having to acknowledge Tech as a legitimate contender. Scoreboard, baby. I find myself buying more and more stuff with a double T on it (I even bought my schnauzer a TT t shirt-don’t worry, he smells better than most t shirt fans).

One thing that is unusual for me is the fact I am spending more time on college football message boards. It's not that I haven't spent any time on them, because I have. But I am spending much more time reading them, when I should be doing meaningful stuff like billing hours, representing my client's interests and important crap like that (“Sorry Mr. Nusbaum, that $2,200,000.00 lawsuit will have to wait.”). I can’t help myself. Since I have been reading them so much throughout this season, I have detected certain patterns in the posts from our opponents that is growing rather tiresome. As a public service and a courtesy to our opponents, I thought I might summarize and categorize the aforementioned tiresome smack, and hopefully, save the folks at OU and Baylor the trouble.

1. “Tech Sucks”: We know, we know, you hate us, don’t respect us, etc. Fine by us…we’ll live. This category of smack ranges from the incredibly astute observation that Lubbock is flat (it is), to the claim that all of our coeds have sexually transmitted diseases (they don’t, at least not before I met them). Probably the most tiresome smack of this genre involves the fiction that people only go to Tech because they couldn’t gain admission to UT or A&M. This is a waste of time, fellow opponents, because it is not the truth. In fact, most of us never even applied to UT or A&M. In fact, we didn’t even “apply” to Tech. Most of us were actually given a choice by the tribunal of the relevant jurisdiction between going to prison, joining the Merchant Marine, or enrolling at Tech. I really thought about the Merchant Marine because I wanted to “see the World,” but Tech had better weed. Seriously, though, these claims don’t bother me. Hinging your self-worth on the approval of an Aggie or Longhorn is a risky proposition, and is akin to a wino seeking the approval of a crack whore.
2. “Tech Fans Are Thugs”: I never realized I was such a badass. Sure, I’ll knock a grandmother out of her wheelchair to steal her Social Security check. Hey, let’s not get judgmental here; have you seen the price of bourbon lately? Our opponents have us doing all types of deviltry to them when they visit the Jones, what with our hurling all manner of objects at them: batteries, foodstuffs, goalposts, pit bulls, nuclear waste, etc. You name it, we throw it. I really didn’t think these claims were true, because I haven’t witnessed this kind of stuff. But that’s probably because I’m busy outside the stadium selling government secrets to terrorists or ramming my heavy toed jackboot into the ribs of a third grader. So, I looked it up, and you know what? They’re right! I found that our not-so-esteemed alumni include Al Capone, Adolph Eichmann (he was low grade Tech scum, but Hitler was able to get into UT because he was real smart and all), Jeffrey Dahmer, Pol Pot (M.Ed.), John Hinkley, Rosie Ruiz, and the guy who invented “Clackers.” Worst of all, John Denver went there too. Given this, we’ll save you OU and Baylor folks the trouble and admit that we’re trash. Just plain old trash. Plain old 10-0 trash. Go tell somebody who gives a damn.

Note the color he's wearing. He looked better in scarlet. WRECK EM'!




3. “Tech’s ‘Gimmicky’ Offense”: Ok by me. It’s different, that’s for sure. The main difference? We’re winning. Tech finally has some semblance of a running game to help balance things out. Plus, they're playing some defense, so they're not losing the games they typically would in the pure “shoot out” days. Call it gimmicky if you like, but it’s fun to watch. You know, a few weeks ago, I tried to watch Penn State play Ohio State. I thought to myself “Let me see some real football. Some of that smash mouth, 3 plays - 9 yards and a cloud of dust stuff from the leather helmet days.” I switched the TV to some shopping channel after 30 minutes. I kept getting distracted by the lint in my belly button. By the way, I got a great deal on a blackjack and a pair of brass knuckles on QVC.
4. “Tech has no National Championships.” Our opponents like to remind us of this. A lot. Well, the UT folks like to, because they have several. I figure the OU folks might be laying this one on us soon, because they have a stinkload of them. Acknowledged. But don’t waste your time. This is a little like telling me your triple great grandmother came over on the Mayflower. What good is that going to do you now? I will admit, however, the Aggie smack in this regard is amusing, because they like to tell us about their National Championship. Note the singular, not plural, word at the end of the preceding sentence. It happened a long time ago. A very long time ago. Given the lack of temporal relevancy, this reminds me of my grandfather telling me about how, in his day, for just a nickel, you could get a hamburger, a “malted milk,” and a big house in Highland Park.
So, there you have it. Look what I’ve done for you! I’ve saved you time and innumerable keystrokes. We’ve heard it all, so don’t bother. Is there a way I can bill for this? I thought not.

5th and inches - Week 11

Muy mucho apologies for missing the picks the last couple of weeks. I sent them out in the weekly e-mail last week, but forgot to put them here. I went 7-7, did have the Tech win at 42-40...yearly totals are 69-44-1 ATS and 100-28 on straight up winners and losers. Again, sorry, but we're back this week, so blog me.

**Saturday**

#9 OK State (ABC HD) @ #2 Texas Tech (3) - Another night in The Jones as the Cowboys come calling. Most of the national pundits this week feel like there's no way Tech can get back up after last week's performance. OK State, meanwhile, definitely a good football team. But supposedly they've gotten 1,000 times better than the other OK State teams that have repeatedly been torched by Tech's offense, and run the ball better than anyone Tech has played, which is something they've already done successfully against Tech for years. So basically, there's nothing in this year's matchup that's new to the matchup...minus the Top 10 rankings for both. At home, probably reminded a zillion times this week of last year's game in Stillwater, I'll take Tech...41-30.

Baylor (FSN HD) @ #4 Texas (26) - Baylor continues to get better and better behind Robert Griffin at QB. He'll have his hands full in Austin, however, as the 'Horns come home after a tough loss in Lubbock last week. Texas has some key people banged up, but I don't suspect that will make much difference. It's close early, I think, and 26 is a lot to lay for a team coming off an emotional loss. But I think Texas grinds it out to the number. Texas...44-14.

#6 Oklahoma (25') @ Texas A&M (ABC) - A&M hasn't stopped much of anyone this year, even in their wins. Speaking of wins, they've got 2 in a row now. But here comes Oklahoma, which scored last week at the rate of an earlier-in-the-2000s Paris Hilton. I like Jarrod Johnson at QB for A&M, but I don't think they have enough weapons to keep this one close. OU...45-21.

Kansas State (FSN HD) @ #14 Mizzou (26') - Wow. If there was ever a recipe for a team to get piledriven into oblivion, this is it. KState can't stop anyone on defense, Mizzou can get it rolling on offense, and now KState has a lame duck coach for the rest of the year. Mizzou...49-20.

Kansas (1') @ Nebraska (FSN PPV) - The biggest thing to say about this game, honestly, is pay back. Both teams put up a ton of points last year in Lawrence, when Kansas won like 69-42 or something like that. NU is coming home off the blowout loss in Norman, KU off the big win over intra-state rival Kansas State. Nebraska...30-28.

Iowa State (Versus) @ Colorado (9') - I'm not sure how either one of these teams gives the other 9 1/2 points, at this point. Colorado...30-17.

#20 Georgia Tech (Raycom HD) @ #19 North Carolina (4') - The only reason I like Carolina here is because they're at home. This ought to be a pretty good football game. Carolina...24-17.

Memphis (2') @ SMU - Heck, at 2 and a hook, live a little and run Purina. Or is it Peruna? SMU...33-30.

Michigan (ESPN HD) @ Minnesota (8) - I'm guessing that Minnesota won't be throwing it up late this week if it's tied and they're at their 20. Minnesota...23-20.

Notre Dame (ESPN HD) @ Boston College (3) - No feel for this game at all. Which typically means the Irish win when the opposing team's kicker is distracted by a guy in a Chewbacca costume in the end zone as he's lining for the gamer and doinks it into the band. ND...24-22.

Army @ Rice (9) - Army's really been salty of late...but I think Rice can put up the points. Rice...38-27.

#3 Penn State (7') @ Iowa (ABC) - Iowa was cruising toward an upset pick here 'til last weekend. Not sure what to make of them now. Penn State trying to stay in the BCS race, Iowa trying to bounce back from a road loss.........Penn State...17-13.

#1 Alabama (4) @ #16 LSU (CBS HD) - Lots of defense on display here Saturday night, but I think 'Bama has the better one. Do not be surprised if something wacky happens late in this one to give the Tigers the win, with all the subplots around Nick Saban's return and all of that...but I think 'Bama is the better team and is proven already in hostile territory. Alabama...23-17.

#21 Cal (ABC HD) @ #7 USC (18') - Huge number in this one. Cal got a big win over a ranked Oregon team last week, now has to go on the road to top 10 USC. Cal's played the spoiler here before, so I don't think USC will get caught unawares. But still, I think it should be closer than the number. USC...34-21.

#11 Ohio State (11) @ #24 Northwestern (ESPN2 HD) - Northwestern home off the big pick 6 in the waning moments to win on the road. I don't think that helps them here. OSU...31-14.

holy crap this is funny

More funny videos from the "ryanparkersongs's channel" channel at Heavy.com

Just got back in town

I'll be there

So you know - Bond J Bond/Aphrodisiac Jackson will be in the LBK for "the" game.

First game I've attended in Lubbock (that's a qualifier because I've been to a few bowl games) since I GRADUATED! Holy crap that's a long time.

Bought the tickets before the season started (thank you Red Raider Club) because I also have a family function on Friday night...I had no idea that the value of my tickets would appreciate FAR faster than any stock I've ever owned...geez.

The Head Coach was on Dan Patrick's radio program today, by the way...pretty awesome interview.

So if you see a great lookin' drunk white guy wearing a black T-Shirt that says "Texas Tech" emblazoned across the front - well - that could be me!

Gotta go pack - see you soon, fellas...

a few thoughts from a fan

I've waited 35 years for Saturday night.

To put that in a little perspective...

I only had to wait 22 years to meet the woman I would marry and have a child with.

I'm pretty sure there's a large group of folks that can say they've waited a hell of a lot longer for their spouse and for this weekend's football dream matchup. So let's just say that this weekend is big. Really big.

If Tech were somehow to lose the game, I just want all of y'all to remember that the season isn't over - that group of guys has more than delivered for us already this year.

Enough of that negative talk, though...

I'm comforted that the Austin sports radio stations and national media have revealed unintentionally that they haven't watched a single Tech Football game this season. Because this team is different, so all of those folks who keep spouting off the same old Tech cliche's (no running game, no defense, weak schedule, gimmick offense, system quarterback, treeless sand dune landscape, etc etc) are only making themselves to look ignorant to the truth.

Regarding the Defense:

Spare me your "Tech is only the 58th best defense in the country" because I'll note that UT is ranked #44 and gives up only 12 yards less per game than does TTU. Please.

Tech is 10th in turnover margin @ +9 (So is OU - see how that helped them in their big game against the Longhorns?)

Tech is 21st in 3rd down conversions allowed - only allowing 32%, Texas is WAY down the list at 47th - but only allow 36%.

Pass defenses between the two units are slight as well, btw - UT allows 265 ypg via the air and Tech 245 ypg.

Texas is so AWESOME on the ground! 183 ypg! Let me tell you what - you'd better be - if you're not going to throw the ball as much as Tech is - you'd better run the ball well - in fact, I'd venture to guess you'd want more than a 45 yard per game average on the ground (Tech runs at 138 ypg).

So spare me your weak stats comparisons - the differences are slight at best.

Coming into the season Tech fans were hungry to play UT because "this could be the year" we could beat them. After all, they had to come to our place and in the preseason even UT was worried about their young secondary and a lack of a pure RB. And so, of course, UT is ranked #1 in the country.... lol ... once again, college football demonstrates its singular awesomeness through its sheer lack of predictability.

Tech is not at all unlike the black sheep of the big state university systems (although the U of H system would quickly disagree). And so having ESPN College Gameday come to Lubbock is not at all unlike having the Griswolds come to Cousin Eddie's for the holidays.

Except that we live in a pretty nice subdivision - and we're going to get to show off our version of how the other side lives on Saturday.

We hope you enjoy our company this weekend, we'll likely only remember parts of your visit. But I can assure you we'll remember the part where we light up the Christmas Tree with TDs.

Ruff Treatment

Well, well, well…that was fun, wasn’t it? That’s what I’ve been waiting for all year…a good ol’ Tech butt whuppin’. While I was happy for it, I’m kind of sad it came at the expense of Kansas. I’d have much rather seen this come at the expense of Aggy or you know who down in Austin. I just don’t have anything against Kansas or its fans. I’ve had to travel to Kansas a lot and spent a good deal of time there in my work, and I’ve never failed to find the people up there to be anything but friendly and good natured folks—except for this one plaintiff I went up there to depose who threatened to throw me down a flight of stairs. But he was from Missouri anyway.

What made this game so fun were the facts that the outcome didn’t ever really seem in doubt and our defense played well throughout the game. It was just “fun,” and I wasn’t kicked out of the family room for having angst induced grand mals in front of the kids (my anxiety sometimes gets the better of me, manifesting itself in shrieking, beer spitting and inanimate object kicking). But you have to cut me some slack – I’m a product of Texas Tech football circa 1979 through 1983. You know: the "12,000 in the stands- 'Rocket' Ron Reeves turf skipping incomplete pass- couldn’t beat Rice -Rex got on the wrong plane-gawddamned SMU lateral on the kickoff" era of Texas Tech football. While I may not agree with all the observations of my esteemed fellow scribe on this blog when it comes to Spike Dykes, I’ll be the first to say that Leach is a Godsend. Crazy? Well maybe so…Give me crazy over a sane loser any day. A drunk? Fine by me…Drinks are on us, Mike. A lawyer?…Well, what can I say?

But one of the things I love about Leach is that he put Ruffin McNeil in charge of the defense. I love this guy! At one point relatively late in the game, when the win was well in hand, Kansas began moving the ball. Ruff calls the guys over during a time out and he’s so worked up, HE’S SPITTING WHEN HE’S YELLING AT THEM! You gotta love a spitter! That’s what I wanna see…a guy who doesn’t want the other team to score even if the game is in the bag. Beats that “bend but don’t break” crap an day. "Patooey! Get yo' butt out there and tackle!"

Of course, our happiness must be tempered by what’s to come. Tech now has to face the Evil Empire. I really don’t hate UT like I do Aggy. I know a lot of UT grads who are decent guys to have a beer with. But that arrogance is always there, you can just sense it. Well, I suppose they have the right to be arrogant: they have several national championships, as compared to our, well... zero national championships. And, unlike our insane, delusional Maroon wearing friends, their last NC didn’t come from the leather helmet wearing “24…87…36…hike, hike, hike!” days. Face it, we'll probably always be in their shadow. Their coach is a grandfatherly good ol' boy. Tech's coach is a loco, pirate-loving lawyer. They play in a 100,000 seat stadium. Tech is hoping to get the Jones to 65,000 with a planned addition. They have so many blue chip recruits, they don't know what to do with them all. Tech has a kicker recruited from the Lynnewood apartment complex half time kick-o-rama. So what? He did go 9 for 9. I don't care about any of it...it's part of being a Tech alum. We're strange, but hey, we're fun to be around.

Tech's offense is firing on all cylinders now, so it should be able to score. It’s Coach Ruff and his slobber inducing D we need. The Furby-resembling quarterback for UT is completing passes at a percentage that is simply too good to believe. Shipley and Cosby are running wild. UT is playing scary good right now. Texas is supremely confident they will beat Tech. When UT defensive tackle Roy Miller heard about the 63 points Tech hung on Kansas, he only said “Well, we’re not Kansas.” Of course you’re not Roy. People in Kansas aren’t arrogant turds. OU felt pretty confident coming into Lubbock last year. I am hoping Coach Ruff and his boys can administer a dose of humility.

P.S. What say we all chip in and but Jon Bible a two week ticket to Hawaii or someplace?

A Clockwork Maroon

It was a lovely Friday afternoon, Brothers, when my mates and I left Lubby-Cock to travel to the Harvard on the Brazos for a bit of fun. Me droogs, Mike, Zach and John, loaded into the Durango. A quick stop at Wally Wally Mart for a load of C cells, a whip through the Korova for one for the road, and we were off! Our sad little third tier trade school withered away in the rearview as the Durango purred away a real horror show - a nice, warm vibraty feeling all through your guttiwuts. And soon it was trees and dark, my brothers, with real country dark.. Oh, the anticipation of it all ! A scrap with our greatest one- sided and most self possessed rivals! The thought made me shiver like the rippling of a spastic colon passing an Allsup’s burro-toro. A fair balance of the Ultra violence was afoot, and with a little luck, maybe we’d come upon the opportunity for a little of the old in-out.


After some time, we stopped at a diner in a peaceful little burg. It was a pretty little place, with the name The Green Frog. Mike, John and me-self went in for a quick spot of joe while Zach stayed outside stomping a small kitten to death. “Good evening gentlemen, what’ll you have?” asked the olden heifer behind the counter. “Eggiwegs”, says I, “if you please.” My droogs had the same, with waffles. Mike loosened the lid off the salt shaker so it would dump on some poor, unsuspecting wag’s steakiwegs as I spit into the ketchup bottle. As we were departing the fine eatery, I spotted a poor derelict snoozing away in a boozy dream state by the Bubbly-Wumpster. One thing I could never stand to see was a filthy, dirty old drunkie, howling away with “The Eyes of Texas” and going blurp blurp in between as it might be a filthy old orchestra in his stinking, rotten guts. I could never stand to see anyone like that, whatever his age might be, but more especially when he was real old like this one was. A few swift kicks with the old jackboot and the old bugger was moaning in pain. Johnny boy helped rinse the blood off of the withered coot's face with a good, strong stream of piss. We quite enjoyed our stop. But away!

We made slow progress way to land of the collie, what with having to slow down to try to hit the stray dogs in the road and with Mike wanting to stop and set fire to every crop we passed. John had a lovely time turning over the gravestones in a historic cemetery. We finally rolled in to town at 9 a.m. We were all feeling a bit shagged and fagged and fashed, it being a night of no small expenditure. Still, we were not too tired for a bit of the old in-out. What we were after now was the old surprise visit. That was a real kick and good for laughs and lashings of the old ultraviolent. We spied a young ladies’ dormitory. We approached and I knocked on a door. “Excuse me, Miss. Can you please help? There's been a terrible accident! My friend's in the middle of the road bleeding to death! Can I please use your telephone for an ambulance?” “ Well, I don’t know…” she says, eyeing the double T’s on me smock. ” Missus! It's a matter of life and death!” She foolishly unlached the chain, and we were win-win in the inn! The first thing that flashed into my gulliver was that I'd like to have her right down there on the floor with the old in-out, real savage. Me mates followed right along. It was rape, rape and more rape, except for Mikie-boy, who toddled off to poison the local water supply.

We neared the destination around 11:00. What do we see but a contingent from the local academic collective, all dressed in the flowery maroon of their pride and joy. Classy they were. Classy, and quite, quite hospitable. “Howdy!” they cried, “Howdy and welcome!” One of them handed me a small white souvenir towel. “We’re glad you’re here!” So nice and welcoming they were! I smiled a gleeful, wicked smile, and said “You know what you can do with that towel? Stick it up our arse! Lets get em’ boys!” Ahhh, my Brothers, we made quick work of them, we did. We beat and raped and beat some more, till' there was no one left to flog. Zach wandered off to loot the local food bank.

Dear Brothers, the next few hours were spent in joyful bliss. Batteries were hurled, along with insults and goodly amount of saliva and profanity. I pissey-wissed in a lemonade dispenser while Mike went to set fire to the nearest day care center. Oh bliss! Bliss and heaven! Oh, it was gorgeousness and gorgeousity made flesh. It was like a bird of rarest-spun heaven metal or like silvery wine flowing in a spaceship, gravity all nonsense now. It had been a wonderful day and what I needed now, to give it the perfect ending, was a little of the Ludwig Van. But all I could hear was the theme from Patton! Suddenly, I viddied what I had to do, and what I had wanted to do, and that was to do myself in; to snuff it, to blast off forever out of this wicked, cruel world. One moment of pain perhaps and, then, sleep forever, and ever and ever. Never to hear the theme from Patton again!!! But, dear reader, I couldn’t take myself past the brink. There was simply too much pain to inflict and classlessness to display yet in my life. I girded up and carried on.

It had been a long day. We had exhausted our store of batteries, and there were no coeds left to molest. My droogs and I made our way to the Durango. John made a quick detour to kick the teeth out of an old biddy’s mouth, and her dentures flew long and straight. Someone stopped him and asked him if he’d ever place kicked in high school. Soon, however, we were on our way to the South Plains. A lovely time had been had by me and the droogs. It is of no small misfortune that we never made it into the stadium. Did I mention there was an American football contest going on at the local university? Texas Technological defeated Texas Agricultural & Mechanical by a score of 43 to 25. There was a blocked kick or some such thing. They could use me droog Johnny boy.

Mike Leach wonders...

...why people keep asking about him about playing a football game until the final whistle.

Caption Time

5th and inches - Week 8

OK boys and girls, an 8-8 mark last week against the number, so I didn't lose anything but some juice here and there, 11-5 on straight up winners/losers...yearly totals now are 51-33-1 and 76-23.

Let's roll.
=============================

**Thursday**

#9 BYU (2) @ TCU (Versus) - Interesting game here, as BYU has kind of had TCU's number of late, winning 5 of 6 in the series over the last 10 years. Last year's game at BYU was a close one, and I suspect this one will be as well. TCU...23-20.

**Saturday**

#7 Texas Tech (21) @ Texas A&M (FSN HD) - We'd be remiss, of course, if we didn't revisit the last time these 2 played at Kyle Field...



...with that said, Jerrod Johnson could be a real difference maker in this one, depending on if he gets to play and how they use him. He had a big day last week vs. KState, but got behind early and had to try and rally all day. If Tech can get the pressure going with an early score, it's a game they should win comfortably. I still don't know about 3 TDs, though. Tech...41-27.

#11 Mizzou (ABC HD) @ #1 Texas (7) - Coming off the big emotional win over OU, it'd be easy for Texas to be flat, and for Mizzou to be refocused after losing to OK State. I suspect Texas won't be flat, however, and it should be a tight ballgame. A late score makes the difference here. Texas...37-27.

Baylor @ #8 OK State (17) - After the big win in Columbia, it would be easy to expect a letdown from the Cowboys this week. I don't see it, though. Robert Griffin is a good one for the Bears and will be for a long time to come, but there's still a long way to go. OSU...45-21.

#16 Kansas (ABC) @ #4 Oklahoma (17') - Kansas was much better last week than they'd been at Iowa State. OU was good, just got beat. Oklahoma...38-17.

Kansas State (FSN) @ Colorado (3) - Big road win for the 'Cats last week...'Buffs still looking for their first Big 12 win of the year. Colorado...27-21.

Nebraska (5') @ Iowa State (Versus) - I told you last week Nebraska was a better team than folks gave them credit for. ISU, coming home after the Baylor trouncing, I look for them to get dominated up front. Nebraska...31-17.

#18 North Carolina (5') @ Virginia (ABC/ESPN2) - Suddenly, Virginia has found some life with wins over Maryland and East Carolina. Carolina has been winning as well, but now lost their best playmaker to a knee injury. Add to it that they haven't won at Virginia since 1981, and this will be a trendy upset pick this week. Virginia...19-17.

Houston (13') @ SMU - The Ponies found something last week in pushing Tulsa. I think they'll just find themselves behind this week. Houston...40-27.

Army (TW-Buffalo) @ Buffalo (10') - I'm squarely on the Army bandwagon now. I think if you live in Buffalo, you can get this on Time Warner Cable. Also, I think you should move. Buffalo...24-20.

Miami (5') @ Duke (ESPN U HD) - Miami...versus Duke...only a 5-point favorite...and not the Miami from Ohio? Never thought I'd see it. Miami...27-13.

Michigan (ESPN HD) @ #3 Penn State (24) - There's nothing here that doesn't say "Take Penn State." PSU...38-13.

#22 Vandy (Raycom) @ #10 Georgia (15) - I think the Vanderbilt Reality Tour continues for a 2nd straight week. Georgia...35-14.

#12 Ohio State (3) @ #20 Michigan State (ABC/ESPN2) - Wow. This is a tough one. Michigan St. hasn't won in this series since '99. Ohio State is better with Pryor at QB. I might feel different if this were a night game. Ohio State...20-10.

#13 LSU (3') @ South Carolina (ESPN HD) - Something's bugging me about this game, and I think it could eventually turn weird. LSU...21-20.

5th and inches - Week 7

I own this blog, apparently. Sorry for no update last week. Had real stuff to do for a change.

Dammit.

43-25-1 now ATS...65-18 SU. Here we go.

==================================================================

**Thursday**

Clemson (ESPN HD) @ #21 Wake Forest (3) - The Oregon State on Thursday night show is finally over after 2 weeks and we're back in the ACC. Clemson is definitely one of the bigger disappointments of the year thus far, despite the fact that they wear purple pants. Wake, meanwhile, followed up a big win at Florida State with an egg against Navy, ruining a perfect season. Clemson's won the last 4 in this series, but I've got a couple of trends that go 23-7 in Wake's favor tonight. And since that's really all I know about it, I'm going with it. Wake...30-24.

**Saturday**

Nebraska (FSN HD) @ #7 Texas Tech (21) - Ya know, I've been to Tech/Nebraska games in Lubbock where there was a 21-point line. Only it was the other way around. My how times have changed. The Huskerdoodles are fresh off a pounding at home by Mizzou, Tech fresh off a road pasting of KState. The last time the Kids in the Corn visited Lubbock, they left with the worst loss in school history at 70-10. But I've seen Nebraska come south and play well, and I expect Tech to win here, but I suspect it won't cover the number. Tech...38-20.

#5 Texas (ABC) @ #1 Oklahoma (7) - Easily the game of the day...I even think College Gameday will be at the Fair for the 11A kickoff....which is a terrible time slot, by the way. With an 11A kick, the pregame on Austin radio starts at 11:30 Friday night. The newly revamped Cotton Bowl will be rockin' and it should be a helluva game. As for the game itself...OU has blitzkrieged each opponent thus far with their no-huddle offense. Texas has started pretty well, too, but for each, it will be the best opponent to date. With Colt McCoy being the leading rusher for Texas, I don't think that bodes well in this one. OU...31-21.

#17 OK State (ESPN2 HD) @ #3 Mizzou (13') - The Cowboys go north to Columbia, where teams have really struggled in recent years. I think this one's alot closer than the Vegas boys wanna tout it. OSU can move the ball, probably better than anyone Mizzou has seen yet. There's still questions about Mizzou's defense, though I think they'll be fine. Still, should be entertaining and close in the 4th....but I like the Tigers at home...Mizzou...34-26.

Kansas State (3') @ Texas A&M - Could be a real arrival moment for one coach, well...forget that. Sherman's going to take his lumps this year at A&M, there's no doubt. Ron Prince, meanwhile, should KState lose this one, I think he's a definite candidate for "For Sale" signs in his OFFICE come Monday morning. Somehow...I'll take the Aggies...A&M...27-26.

Colorado (ESPN2 HD) @ #14 Kansas (14) - A week from scraping by Iowa State, Colorado comes in licking its wounds...assuming buffalo do that sorta thing...after Texas came calling. KU has kinda followed the road many thought they might, coming back down to earth a little after last year's BCS run. But I think they're still better than Colorado...but I don't know about 14. Kansas....28-23.

Iowa State (FCS Central) @ Baylor (4) - The Bears are playing well in spurts, as are the Cyclones. That kinda thing usually goes over better at home. Baylor...31-24.

Notre Dame (ABC/ESPN) @ #22 North Carolina (7) - One guy for Carolina blocked 3 punts last Saturday and should have had 4. That doesn't have anything to do with this weekend, but you just don't see that too often. Hard to really like either one here, because the 'Heels offense did nothing last week, and Notre Dame outlasted Stanford...again. I'll take Carolina to win, but not by much. UNC...19-16.

#4 LSU (CBS HD) @ #11 Florida (4) - Another great one in the SEC...there's even been trash talk this week from the LSU side. I'm smelling a wild finish in this one and it's really too close to call. Florida...23-21.

Tennessee (CBS HD) @ #10 Georgia (13) - Georgia healed up for a week after getting blasted by 'Bama...Tennessee feasted on Northern Illinois. If, by feasting, one's talking about getting fat on Jenny Craig. Tennesse outlasted Northern Illinois, in Knoxville, 13-9. That's not a good setup for going to Georgia. Georgia...28-10.

Eastern Michigan (ESPN Classic) @ Army (1') - Army appears to have found something, with a tough loss at A&M and a blowout win over heavily favored Tulane. Army...30-20.

Tulsa (25) @ SMU - There will be lots of the forward passing of the footballs in Dallas Saturday. Tulsa...52-24.

Central Florida (ESPNU HD) @ Miami (15) - 2 tough losses in a row for Miami. Miami...27-17.

Michigan State (3) @ Northwestern (ESPN2 HD) - Did y'all know Northwestern is 5-0? Northwestern...24-20.

#6 Penn State (5) @ Wisconsin (ESPN HD) - Not sure why, but I think Wisconsin comes back tough after the Ohio State loss. Penn State...24-21.

Arkansas @ Auburn (18) - I'm sure this is on the MizLou network or something like that, but I can't find it. Lines are hard to find on this game because Auburn fired its offensive coordinator this week, 6 games into his tenure there. Tough to cover almost 3 TDs when you do something like that. Auburn...27-13.

5th and inches - Week 5

Greetings fellow football fan-type peoples. More of the Thursday night footballs for you with 2 games on tap tonight, one involving the #1 team in the land.

Another good weekend for the Smoot last weekend, 9-4 ATS and 14-2 on straight-up winners/losers. For the year now, 35-18 ATS and 56-11 straight up. In phony money dollars at $25 per...the Smoot's up $425. But it's the footballs of the colleges, so you can expect a stock-market-esque crash any Saturday now. Let's get this crashing started.

**Thursday**

SMU (CBS College) @ Tulane (17) - 2 games lead off the weekend, the first of which would lead into the ESPN high school game of the week in most weeks. Ya gotta love a QB name Bo Levi, especially if you're an opposing defense. The Ponies followed up their 43-7 beating in Lubbock to the laid-back Mike Leach-led Red Raiders by getting summarily trounced by the incredibly high-strung Gary Patterson-led purple Frogs. Now they get the Green Wave, whose head coach is I'm sure extremely high-strung while being laid-back, which probably equals more butt beatings for the Ponies. Tulane...41-21.

#1 USC (23') @ Oregon State (ESPN HD) - About this game's most attractive feature is that it's in HD and on the West Coast, which means it might run a little later than norma, which is good for us night owls of the world. Normally, USC finds a way to sleepwalk through at least one conference game, especially if it's on the road. However, I don't see it being this one. USC...41-14.

**Saturday**

Arkansas (ABC) @ #7 Texas (28) - There is no way anyone should ever take a 4-touchdown line in this rivalry rekindling. Except maybe in this one. The Hogs have been really bad and Texas has looked really good, albeit against not-exactly-SEC athletes. Still...Texas...44-14.

#24 TCU (FSN HD) @ #2 Oklahoma (17') - TCU will undoubtedly be the best defense OU has faced thus far. This game is undoubtedly on the aforementioned high-strung Gary Patterson's "Make it personal" list for his team. But the last time they were in Norman, TCU won 17-10. I'd imagine it's been on the "personal" list for Bob Stoops for some time. I don't like the line being so big...and I think it will be a very-competitive football game...but I think in the end OU slips away for the cover. OU...38-17.

Army (Versus) @ Texas A&M (28') - A morning kickoff at Kyle Field. Actual Army came within a grenade's throw of beating Old Army in the Alamodome a couple of years in a true head-scratching "WTF Fran?" moment. Probably won't be the case this time. A&M...41-10.

Troy @ Ok. State (16') - Seems like it was a Friday night game or something (I'm not going to look it up) that found the Cowboys on the road in Troy Land last year. It was the end of the Bobby Reid era, if I'm not mistaken, as the Pokes were pounded by Troy. At slightly more than 2 TDs...I like this year's Cowboys over last year's...especially at home. Ok State...41-17.

Virginia Tech (ABC HD) @ Nebraska (6') - I've noticed I've got alot of 41s in here this week. That's not on purpose, and won't happen here. These 2 might not combine for 41. I see a real tough game here and I don't like 6+ either direction. Nebraska...20-16.

Colorado (ABC/ESPN) @ Florida State (6) - Don't ask me why, because then I'll spend 10 minutes telling you why, but I think Colorado goes on the road here and wins. Colorado...23-19.

La. Lafayette @ Kansas State (20) - Kansas Staters are a funny bunch, with lots calling for a short lease on the tenure of Ron Prince after getting lit up on national TV at Louisville. Lafayette, meanwhile, lost a 3-point ball game @ Illinois, who was no doubt looking toward Penn State this week. K State...30-14.

North Carolina @ Miami (7) - I can't find a TV listing, but I'm sure this is on Raycom 7 or something like that somewhere. Carolina disappointed in the Va. Tech loss, Miami won handily at Kyle Field. Miami...24-20.

#8 Alabama (ESPN HD) @ #3 Georgia (6) - No way do I like almost a TD in a top-10 SEC game. Both are playing well, but I think defenses rule the day. Georgia...17-13.

#9 Wisconsin (7) @ Michigan (ABC/ESPN) - Somewhere, something is telling me that this is going to be one of those "arrival" games for a coach/program. Obviously, Michigan doesn't need to arrive, but Rich Rodriguez does. I'm not ready to give him the win...but I think it could happen. Wisconsin...18-17.

Purdue (NBC HD) @ Notre Dame (2') - Ya know, this is one of those games where the Domers will win on a field goal that hits a rushing lineman in the helmet and then goes off an upright and through the posts. Notre Dame...21-20.

#22 Illinois (ABC HD) @ #12 Penn State (14) - 2 TDs is a little much for this one, methinks. Penn State...31-27.

Tennessee (CBS HD) @ #15 Auburn (6) - Another 6-point SEC line. Give me a break, Vegas line-making people. Auburn...24-14.

Maryland (Raycom HD) @ #20 Clemson (11') - Both are 3-1, Maryland has won 2 of the last 3 in Death Valley and beat #23 Cal two weeks ago. Still, I like Clemson. Clemson...38-24.

let's conversate

5th and inches - Week 4

Greetings all. A little Fall-like temps in the air have us primed for college foobaw this weekend.

11-3 against the line last weekend, so there's all kinds of phony money to play with this weekend. Not that I'm picking Rice to upset Texas or anything. Or SMU over TCU. Or Army or Akron. Wait, I think I picked that one...

For the year now, 26-14 against the line, 46-9 on straight up winners/losers. Here we go.

**Thursday**

#21 West Virginia (3) @ Colorado (ESPN HD) - Nightime in Boulder is a scary place to play the footballs, and with Pat White being counted on to throw the ball more for the Mounties, I don't like them here. Colorado...26-21.

**Friday**

Baylor (ESPN2 HD) @ U Connecticut (14) - Game 3 of this week's Big 12/Big East Challenge or something like that (Game 1 was Wednesday night) as the Bears hit the road for the first time this year. They're doing so fresh off a convincing win over a BCS opponent in Washington State, which is maybe like bragging about a photo shoot with Jenna Jameson and then being asked "Yeah, but have you seen her LATELY??" Hard to like the Bears on a long, long trip North. UConn...31-18.

**Saturday**

UMass @ #11 Texas Tech - No line here for another colossal showdown with Top 15 programs from two different divisions. UMass has had trouble stopping the likes of Holy Cross and James Madison. Michael Crabtree doesn't have his own university yet, but he should see plenty of green space on Saturday. Tech...51-14.

Rice (FSN HD) @ #7 Texas (30') - No reason not to take the 'Horns here, even if they whine about their pass defense. Texas...46-13.

Miami (3) @ Texas A&M (ABC HD) - Maybe the real moment when we all knew that Fran was canned was the Thursday night debacle in Miami last year when A&M went nowhere all night and Miami suddenly looked like Miami of old. They've since come down a little bit while A&M has looked about the same. Jerod Johnson could actually be a difference maker if he can get on the field...which might mean he has to sack Stephen McGee when no one is looking. Miami...19-14.

Buffalo (FSN PPV) @ #5 Mizzou (33') - I mean seriously...can Buffalo score 17 points? If so, and they lose 50-17...it's a cover by a hook. I was lovin' me some hooks last weekend. Mizzou...49-17.

Iowa St. (The Mountain) @ UNLV (3) - What the hell is The Mountain? Is that like "Go Watch it on the Mountain"? And if that's a network and that becomes their slogan, I demand some royalties. These 2 played in Ames last year and UNLV appeared to have scored on the game's final play, but it was ruled no catch and then apparently there was no review. Their head coach chased the officials into the locker room, then ran back out (and fell down) and refused to take his team off the field for quite some time. Now they get the rematch in the desert, a week after a huge road win in the other desert - or is technically the same desert - at Arizona State. UNLV...27-18.

Sam Houston (FCS Central) @ #19 Kansas - A week after blowing a 20-3 road lead by surrendering a 31-point outburst, only to tie it and then watch it slip away on the foot of a true Frosh kicker after a terrible INT decision by their all-everything quarterback...Mark Mangino is still very large. Kansas...61-7.

Akron (7) @ ARMY (ESPN Classic) - I figure if I pick ARMY enough times straight, eventually they'll cover. ARMY...24-21.

Notre Dame (ABC/ESPN) @ Michigan State (8') - From one Michigan to another, the Domers head to East Lansing. The last time they were there they snatched victory from the jaws of defeat to the point where the State radio guy had such an on-air meltdown the following week I don't think he's there anymore. Michigan State...31-24.

TCU (24) @ SMU (CBS College) - June Jones rudely introduced to the Metromess rivalry. TCU...41-14.

Va. Tech (ABC/ESPN) @ North Carolina (1') - Va. Tech is starting to rival Oregon for the worst unis in college football. Big opportunity here for UNC to get back onto a "stage" of some sort, after failing to capitalize on the Miami win of a few years ago. UNC...19-17.

#3 Georgia (6') @ Arizona State (ABC HD) - Georgia keeps winning and then getting jumped in the rankings. That's gotta piss off someone. Georgia...34-24.

#4 Florida (7') @ Tennessee (CBS HD) - It's never easy to go more than a TD on the road in the SEC. Signed, Auburn fans celebrating their 3-2 win over Mississippi State last weekend. Florida...20-14.

#6 LSU (2) @ #10 Auburn (ESPN HD) - We've got your safety right here. Signed, LSU fans. LSU...16-6.

#18 Wake Forest (ESPN2 HD) @ #24 Florida State (4') - Wake is ranked higher going into Tallahassee, and has beaten the 'Noles 2 straight, including 30-0 last time at Doak Campbell. Pretty sure I never thought I'd say that in the history of ever. Pretty sure I never thought it'd be 3 straight, either. Wake...27-24.

Farking season is finally here!

After seeing the pics of the Jones flooded, you had to know the farks wouldn't be far behind. TTURaider, from the raiderpower forums, fired the first volley and boy was it a beauty!



Not to be outdone, the super creative and ruggedly handsome mdkimbro added his own touch...the Manginokrakken.



Some of you may not be aware of this, but in the world of farkdom there is a popular phenomenon referred to as the "Tennis Match." Basically, people add more and more images to an original work until it is either flat out stupid or your head explodes at the sight of all the LOLs....or in this example from the shaggybevo forums, both.



This thing has just about every Big 12 cliche you can imagine. From Gap Kid, to Listeater all the way back to the Corps guy pulling his sword on the SMU cheerleaders. Classic! The best actually had the bellringer in the middle, but apparently I can't post .gifs on blogger.
So, here's to another fun fark season getting kicked off right! We look forward to sharing many more with you this year.

holy lakes of rubber pellets, batman

Lake Jones - waterfront suites are available.

5th and inches - Week 3

So here we are for Week 3 of the college football season. I missed posting last night's Carolina/Rutgers tilt due to a faith healing session that ran long up here in Big Rapids, Michigan. The chicken fried steak at the Interstate Inn is not to be trifled with...and I'm not really sure that was gravy on top of it. Get thee back to Texas for your chicken fried steakness, praise God almighty blessed Jesus Lord, Amen.

A 7-5 week last against the line, 16-4 straight up winners/losers. For the year...15-11 and 33-7 now in those two categories. Special thanks this week to Ryan Hyatt for recognizing that the disco ball is once again spinning around here. I'll show myself out.


**Friday**

#13 Kansas (ESPN2 HD) @ #19 South Florida (3') - Great Friday night matchup...though it's likely to be over by the time I get back from some local HS Football. South Florida won an OT thriller over Central Florida last weekend. Kansas has squashed their 2 opponents, La. Tech most recently in the rain. Kansas won this matchup by 6 two years ago. Both are better now...home game for the Bulls...but I still like Kansas. KU...23-21.

Washington State (2') @ Baylor (FSN HD) - **Note, this game has been moved from Saturday to Friday night.** Hmmm...interesting game here. The Bears could get a feather in Art Briles' cap...assuming he spends alot of time in caps with feathers in them...with a win over a visiting Pac 10 team. They laid an egg against a good Wake Forest team, then bounced back with a win over Northwestern State last weekend. They say you improve the most in football from Week 1 to 2...which was actually last week but gives me a chance to use another cliche in here. Baylor in the upset...23-20.

**Saturday**

SMU (FSN HD) @ #12 Texas Tech (36') - So my father's an SMU guy from long ago, my sister went there and somesuch, so there's some familial rivalry in it. So he says to me, "How is it that Tech is favored by 36' over SMU. They won't win by 36." To which I said "Won't win by 36 touchdowns? Yeah, that is alot." Texas Tech...52-20.

Arkansas (ABC) @ #8 Texas (23') - This one has been moved to 9/27. Take Ike and lay the points the weekend.

Nevada (FSN PPV) @ #6 Mizzou (26') - Nevada played pretty well last with Tech, at least between the 20s. But they couldn't score enough...as I had predicted. Mizzou right now is firing on all cylinders, to get all cliche-like on you. Nevada will probably move it some...but Mizzou will move it more. Mizzou...44-17.

#3 Oklahoma (20) @ Washington (ESPN HD) - The Sooners leave the, uh, the Oklahoma is OK state for the first time in 2008. Last year's first trip out of, well, Norman, was a win at Tulsa, though not the prettiest. It will be interesting to see how Washington rebounds from a bonehead penalty last week that resulted in a 35-yard extra point try...that was blocked for all of you who say the penalty cost them the game. The kick was blocked, whether from the 10 or the 25. OU...27-17.

Iowa State (Big 10 HD) @ Iowa (12') - Always a tough one to pick in the big, emotional rivalries. Iowa has shown signs of life in their 2 ballgames, and ISU is off to a 2-0 start as well. Double-digits is a tough sell here. Iowa...24-20.

New Mexico State (FSN PPV) @ Nebraska (25) - Went with the Huskers and the big number last week...thinking about doing it again here as this is NM State's first game of the year after a hurricane rainout. Nebraska...45-17.

Mizzou State @ Oklahoma State (FCS Central) - OK State....51-13.

#5 Ohio State (ABC HD) @ #1 USC (10') - Sweater Vests on Ice heads West for a classic showdown of smashmouth vs. glitz and glam. Smashmouth has fallen hard on its last couple of big stages against speedy teams. USC...34-17.

Michigan (1) @ Notre Dame (NBC HD) - The Domers struggled with San Diego State last weekend...the Wolverines with Miami (OH). Notre Dame will suit up 11 leprechauns or something crazy and pull the win here. ND...19-16.

#10 Wisconsin (1) @ #21 Fresno State (ESPN2 HD) - Easily a top-5 matchup for the weekend...even though we're really talking about 21 vs. 10. Could be a trap for the Badgers, who split with Fresno in Wisconsin in 01 and 02. Fresno St....22-20.

#2 Georgia (8) @ South Carolina (CBS HD) - 2nd-ranked Bulldogs hit the road to face South Carolina, fresh off their loss at Vandy. Dawgs trying to keep pace in the polls, after falling from #1 despite winning twice. Georgia....23-10.

Other games of interest...

UCLA (Versus) @ #18 BYU (9) - Can Neuheisel keep the early magic going? BYU...31-21.

#16 Oregon (7) @ Purdue (ABC/ESPN2) - Ducks have proven that Big 10 stadiums don't scare them. Oregon...28-22.

#9 Auburn (10') @ Mississippi State (ESPN2 HD) - Laying 10+ in an SEC game is like hitting on 20 in Reno. Niblets...aka Auburn...24-15.

Reno Failure

Well, it wasn’t failure, but it got pretty close to it. I just got back from spending a month in Reno, over the course of three days. Felt like a month, anyway. What a strange trip. I’m glad I made it, I guess. Just a few random thoughts:

The Game: In a word, it sucked. It really sucked. I know: Tech won, so it’s all good. But Jesus that was ugly. It had to be one of the worst officiated, worst coached and worst played games I’ve witnessed. Seeing as how I used to coach Pee Wee league, that’s saying something. It seemed like both teams were locked in a mortal contest of “fart and fall down” with the team least consistent in this endeavor the most likely to succeed. This game had it all. Fumbled snaps, dropped balls, over thrown passes, blocked punts, unsuccessful 4th down tries from the 29th yard line (on Tech’s side of the field), phantom holding calls. You name it; if it was bad, this game had it. Yeech!

Harrell looked terrible (see what I did there?). So many of his passes were off the mark and so many looked as if they were just lofted up in the air for anybody to grab, it led the Nevada fans around me to begin yelling “He’s just not that good!” I wanted to argue, but truth is, I couldn’t. It didn’t help that what Nevada’s corners were doing to Tech’s receivers would amount to a Class A misdemeanor for assault in many jurisdictions; the timing of the routes was clearly affected. Still, it stunk on ice.

There were some nice moments, though. You could tell that Morris was going to break that punt return early on, and it was fun to watch. On one of the few long connections Harrell made to Crabtree, the pass was underthrown. Crabtree had to come back for it, giving the cover guy a chance to grab him. What Crabtree did to him before breaking away was almost violative of the Geneva Convention. There were some nice runs: all of a sudden, we’re a running team? The defense looked like the defenses of old: “Lyle style.” But, they stiffened several times in the red zone after giving up a lot of yards.

A word about the officiating: When I was waiting to board the plane at DFW, I saw several guys with Big XII luggage entering the waiting area. One of the bags was being pulled by a middle aged, lanky guy, and it had “Jon Bible” embroidered on it. I thought “Oh Sh*t. I thought he only came to screw us when we played UT.” I will say, fellow Tech fans, that I gave thought to “taking one for the team” and trying to push him out of the hatch once we got to altitude. But he would have just parachuted to safety on the flag he always has at the ready anyway. At the game, his officiating was up to its usual level of ineptitude, although I must admit, his calls were just as bad for Nevada as they were for Tech. It surpassed the point of ridiculousness when he tried to flag Tech for roughing the kicker on a blocked punt. Even his fellow refs couldn’t take it anymore; they talked him into waiving off the flag.

Nevada’s team: By the way, their players have funny names. Lippencott. Kaepernick. Fragger. Sounds like something Jonathan Swift would write as a chapter title: “My Arrival in Lippincott Upon the Fragger.” Too bad about Lippincott’s knee. He’s a quality guy. Also, their band had a flag dude. You know…where teams have a band with a drill team and they have girls with flags. They had a dude out there with the girls waving the flags around. As Forrest Gump would say: “They even had a flag dude. That’s all I have to say about that.”

All in all, it was a win, and they covered the 12.5 spread I put $100 on at the casino before leaving for the game. So, it could have been much worse. It’s still early in the season, and there is time to work out the bugs. But if they play like this against UT or OU, it’s going to be ugly.

Their Fans: It’s interesting, being at a college game where they sell beer. I expected it to be pretty rowdy, but it wasn’t that bad. I sat on the north 45 yard line, in a nest of about 10 Tech fans completely surrounded by Nevada fans. No real problems. One guy in front of me was hammered and spent a lot of time wiggling his butt around when the stadium PA played AC/DC. He flipped off the entire stadium a good bit. But he was nice enough. A middle aged goof behind me leaned down and asked “Hey…you own an oil well? Heh, heh. Because all you Texans own oil wells, right? That’s what you’re famous for, ain’t it? Heh, heh.” I just turned around and said “No, I don’t. Do you own a whore house? Because, well, you know…” He didn’t talk to me any more. There was one retarded kid walking around before the game, totally plastered, wearing a foam rubber wolf head and screaming “AWOOOOOO!!!” in the faces of Tech fans as they walked toward the stands. But he was not drunk enough to be suicidal: he clearly circumvented a 6’3” big ol’ West Texas boy in order to get to me (all 5’8” of me) where he let out a particularly fine “AWOOOOO!” The students in the north end zone stands had a nice chant of “F*ck you, Texas!” going for much of the first half. It isn’t that they mistook us for UT, I think, so much as they liked the meter of the 4 syllable chant. But, it was pretty weak compared with an away game at Rice: Rice students can cuss you out in iambic pentameter. Nevertheless, after the game, several of the fans around us made a point of shaking our hands and saying “good game” or “congratulations” and thanking us for coming. You don’t get that often, anywhere. So, on the well recognized “Fayettville Scale,” rating home fan obnoxiousness, with a “1” being The University of Nebraska and a “10” being The University of Arkansas, Nevada would rate a respectable 4.5. It would be a “4’” were it not for “AWOOOOO Boy.”

Reno: A few thoughts about the town. They have gambling, which I love. I’ve never been to Lake Tahoe, so I took a drive up there. Wow! Now I can see why the Corleones moved there. I wish I was rich. They have a lot of those ground squirrel/chipmunk looking things-very cute. One of them borrowed $5 off me. The town of Reno itself is kind of scruffy. I think it had an above average incidence of mattresses laying on the roadside. Sadly, not all of them were unoccupied. Also, there were a lot of mini truck punks and guys in low riding Scions who looked like they would gladly hit you with a long-handled wrench. But, the town has “In-N-Out Burger” so it’s not all bad.

The Casino: I stayed at the Peppermill. Good buffet. The rooms in the new Tuscany Tower were very nice. Not too bad a casino, although the casino has an abundance of 70’s neon and metal ceiling tiles. Being a degenerate gambler, I go to Vegas a lot. So, I am familiar with your average “Vegas style” dealers, which generally fall into three categories: the indifferent Asian, the malcontent Slav and the On-The-Lam Canadian (a lot of dealers are foreign – something about having grown up in foreign elementary schools, where they are actually taught to count). The dealers at the Peppermill were truly friendly. It somehow feels better, having a nice person take all your money, don’t you think? My favorite dealer was “Big Sam.” Big Sam would look up at the TV’s on the walls that were showing Christina Aguilara videos and say “Daaaayum. Look at that BOO-TAY!” Big Sam took a liking to me, and determined to call me “Niblet.” (I don’t know why). Because the cocktail waitresses were pretty good with the free drinks, I got seriously sh*t faced Friday night. So drunk was I, in fact, that the “free drink scheme” worked on the Blackjack table and I actually hit a 20. You read that right. I hit a gawddamned 20. Big Sam tried to talk me out of it, but as Lincoln said: “I am not bound to win, but I am bound to be true.” Besides, Big Sam wouldn’t argue with me too much because my drunkenness also manifested itself in another activity: over tipping. I have to set this up right: my hit on 20 was all the more egregious because I was sitting on 3rd base and Big Sam had a 6 up. The other players were screaming at me, sure I was going to take the dealer’s bust card. Many of them were sitting on 17’s and 18’s. “Damn you all” I said, and I defiantly tapped the table for my hit. In truth, I was so drunk I had forgotten the “1 or 11” rule for an ace, so I thought I was hitting a 7-2-1 ten rather than a 7-2-11 twenty. My fellow players were, of course, ready to lynch me. Then, in proof of the old saying that “God looks out for children and idiots”, I drew an ace for a 21! Wait, it gets better. Big Sam then flips his down card and it was a 4. He had a 10! I had taken his ace for what would have been a 21! He draws a 6, then, draws an 8 to bust. My drunken ass had saved the day! Strangely, none of those ingrates bothered to thank me.

A Sea Of Red: I have to tell you, it was great staying at the Peppermill because there were so many Tech fans there. Saturday afternoon, the Sports Book was solid red. There were all kinds of Tech fans. Middle aged beer bellies, the twenty- something guys with the obligatory goatees, the little old West Texas ladies with the hair helmets. It just felt great being around all the Tech fans at an away game. Something about the “herd mentality” I suppose. I want to personally thank the tall, red-headed guy in the black Tech polo shirt. He had an 8 series run on the craps table that won me $250.00. The team stayed there as well, although I never saw them. I think I might have seen a few of them at the pool on Saturday morning. There was one guy I thought was Graham Harrell. I wasn’t sure, but when I saw him toss a wadded up napkin at a trash can and miss, I was pretty sure of it. Gerald Meyers was a regular on the corner Blackjack table. Gerald: always double down on 11. Always. Just don’t hit a 20.

American Airlines: I think I speak for everyone on flight 2012 when I say: You suck. AWOOOOOOO!!!

never enough

5th and inches - Week 2

Howdy boys and girls. Time for week 2's edition of 5th and inches, brought to you this week by Dos Equis. I don't always drink beer, but when I do, I prefer Dos Equis. I get nothing for saying that, by the way. An 8-6 week last week against the line, 17-3 on straight up winners and losers.

This week's schedule is kinda devoid of any real sexy matchups. In fact, I don't think there's one game with 2 teams in the Top 25 going against one another. Regardless...we press on...


**Thursday**

South Carolina (10) @ Vanderbilt (ESPN HD) - Always good to have South Carolina on TV because it gives us free reign to throw around the word cocks several times in an e-mail. The Gamecocks woke up in the 4th last week to dispatch with NC State 34-0, but switched QBs in the late going to do it. That QB starts this week......and his name is Smelley. He was also the starter last year in a loss to Vandy...the Smelley cock. South Carolina...22-16.

**Saturday**

#12 Texas Tech (10) @ Nevada - No TV for this one, which is being hyped a little bit as a potential shootout. Tech scores just about everywhere they go, and traditionally, so does everyone else. Both teams racked up big yardage totals and 49 points last week...but I don't think Nevada can keep pace in this one. Tech...41-20.

#11 Texas (26') @ UTEP (ESPN2 HD) - The last time UTEP hosted a Big 12 school in a late-night start at the Sun Bowl, Tech eeked out an OT win. But Johnny Lee Higgins and Jordan Palmer are long-gone off the Miners roster, and there aren't any Tech linebackers trying to cover receivers in this one. UTEP lost 45-17 at Buffalo last week. FYI...they weren't playing the Bills. Texas...45-13.

Cincinnati (ABC) @ #4 Oklahoma (21) - I have the hardest time remembering if Cincinnati has 2 Ns and 1 T...or vice versa. 21 is a big number to lay here, but playing OU in Norman is never fun. I think this one will be pretty competitive, really, but give OU to edge to pull away in the 2nd half. OU...42-20.

SE Mizzou State (FSN PPV) @ #6 Mizzou - Mizzou...52-10.

La. Tech (FSN HD) @ #14 Kansas (20') - La. Tech upended Miss. State last weekend at home and hits the road for Kansas this weekend. Again, almost 3 TDs is alot to lay in this one...but I've convinced myself to do it. Kansas...38-16.

Texas A&M (Versus) @ New Mexico (2') - The Lobos...throttled 26-3 at home by TCU. The Aggies...beaten 18-14 by Ark. State at home. Together, it's been a tough week in their respective camps. Aggie coach Mike Sherman promises things will get better...which is good...because they can't get much worse. New Mexico...23-20.

Eastern Washington @ Colorado - EWU played well in Lubbock last week, CU got a big win in the Colorado State game. Too bad there's no line on this one. Colorado...40-17.

Kent State @ Iowa State (7') - Cyclones looking to jump out to 2-0 start. Iowa State...27-19.

Northwestern State @ Baylor - Bears looking for first win for Art Briles. Baylor...38-14.

Montana State (FCS Central) @ Kansas State - Montana State upset Colorado a couple of years ago. Kansas State...49-14.

Houston @ Oklahoma State (16') - Actually a pretty entertaining game this should be. Ideas why that came out like Yoda I do not have. Houston will bring athletes, Ok. State coming off a road win to open the year at Wash. State. I think this one's pretty tight. Ok. State...27-18.

San Jose State (FSN PPV) @ Nebraska (26) - San Jose got by UC-Davis last week.......13-10. Big stage this weekend for the Spartans. Nebraska...48-7.

Texas State @ SMU - Hmmm...hate to say it...but the Bobcats could jump up and win this one. But I'll still give the nod to June Jones and the Mustangs...SMU...34-24.

San Diego State (NBC HD) @ Notre Dame (22) - Because I have a new TV and HD, I might actually watch this long enough to see Touchdown Jesus in high-def. Yeah, it took us about 20 seconds to become HD college football snobs. Oh, and SD State lost last week to Cal-Poly. Ouch. Notre Dame...39-6.

New Hampshire (ESPN Classic) @ Army - Why is Army on ESPN Classic all the time now? Army....29-20.

Miami (ESPN HD) @ #5 Florida (21') - In years' past, this woulda been a sexy Non-con game, but now it sets up to be just another Florida blowout with Tim Tebow bulldogging over people. Florida...31-17.

Miami (OH) @ Michigan (14') - The RichRod era at MIchigan got off to a rocky start last week as the Wolverines dropped their 2nd straight season opener at "The Big House." Seriously, haven't we used "The Big House" enough? Laying 14+ this weekend...it's risky. Michigan...31-14.

Other interesting games:
Central Michigan @ #1 Georgia (23') - Or are they #2 Georgia? Rankings slight might just propel the Dawgs to big-time scoring this weekend. Georgia...45-14.

#8 West Virginia (8) @ East Carolina (ESPN HD) - ECU's Pirates looking for 2nd straight upset this weekend. Easier said than done. West Virginia...34-21

The Going Price of a Butt Whuppin'

As I was listening to the Eastern Washington game this past weekend, I heard one of the radio commentators mention that Eastern Washington was going to receive $450,000.00 for playing the game against Tech. The commentator also mentioned what some of the other Big XII schools were paying their non-BCS rivals that weekend. Florida Atlantic was getting like $900,000.00 to get bitch-slapped by the Horns. It got me to thinking about the economics of it all. Sure, “Buy Games” are nothing new. But, candidly, I never really like to think about the money part of this institution we love so much. I prefer to live in collegiate football “La La Land” where the players are true “student athletes.” I want to believe Michael Crabtree got his Escalade from a summer job making sundaes at the Dairy Queen. Humor me. Still, this “Rent-a- Punk” arrangement has raised a couple of questions and has me intrigued.

The first question is why would Tech pay somebody to come and play them in the first place? Four hundred fifty thousand bucks is not like some coupons to Crickets; that’s a lot of scratch, at least to me it is. Of course, the answer is obvious: since there are no preseason games at the college level, BCS teams need somebody to practice up on, and, to boost the overall win record for the season. One might wonder why the non-BCS school would go for it. Again, the answer is obvious: in the words of the great legal scholar Frito Pendejo :”I like money.” Besides, the kids from the non-BCS school get to see a stadium that holds more people than their school’s entire attendance over a ten year period, with a Jumbotron and everything. Additionally, the non-BCS school gets a little bit of exposure, although I’m not sure how much you want to be exposed losing by 40. Besides, they never know when they might catch lightning in a bottle and pull an Appalachian State number on somebody.

But the bigger question to me is: what do you get for your money? I mean, this deal is supposed to be a guaranteed win for the BCS school; and not just a win, but a lopsided one. So what happens when the deal goes awry? Tech was supposed to win a lot easier than they did, and probably by more points. At some point, one had to wonder : “Don’t these guys understand the arrangement? They’re making us work too hard. Should we get some sort of discount?” Conversely, if there some sort of really bad ass kicking administered, like Oklahoma’s treatment of Chattanooga this weekend, is there a “whuppass multiplier” where OU has to pay a little extra for each point scored over a certain number? Of course, maybe some schools, like “you know who,” should get a refund.




"$500,000.00 for this?!?! I thought we had a deal!"






Of course, being a money grubbin’ lawyer, I’m always trying to figure out a way to parlay an idea into more cash. I think this concept might have some applications elsewhere for Tech, maybe where we could turn a profit. Who has the best hockey team in college? Minnesota? We have an intramural hockey program, right? I say slap some Tech sweaters on them and send them up to the Twin Cities for a little old Northern hospitality. What’s wrong with our kids getting body checked out of a spleen in exchange for a few hundred large? A reverse butt whip could also work. I hear Tech has a really good meat judging team. Supposedly, they can differentiate a Porterhouse from a T-Bone at 50 yards in .2 seconds. We’re all so proud of them. I’m thinking we agree to overlook some gristle or maybe a little tapeworm action in exchange for, say, a small honorarium of $100,000.00, to lose to Okie Lite. Well, why not? They have the money to spend. T. Boone Pickens, the Dan Halen of college sports, could then buy the exclusive rights to the name “T Bone,” drop the extra “o” and make himself seem much cooler.

But this has potential outside of college sports. What if I need to impress a client with a big win in court? If some baby lawyer fresh out of school needs some bucks to pay off those loans, what’s the harm in my slipping him a little cash to not try too hard? Most attorneys don’t let a little thing like The Rules of Professional Conduct (number 1.06 to be precise), stand between them and winning. My oldest son outweighs my youngest daughter by nearly 100 pounds. But, he’s pretty mild mannered. My youngest daughter is quite a pisser, and I suspect she could take him in a no-holds-barred throw down brawl. I might not want his ego bruised when the next fight comes around. I bet she’d ensure a dive for some Hannah Montana tickets.

I’m making the trip up to Reno this weekend. With gambling, all-you-can-eat buffets and legalized prostitution, it ought to be a fun trip for all. Bring the kids! However, a convincing win will make it much better. I hope UN-Reno gets the check in time.