Tuesday, May 22, 2007

Top 5/Bottom 5 of God's Greatest Inventions


1)The Internets- Seriously can there be a better thing known to man- Instant updates on World Events, PRON, endless pages devoted to SPORTS, naked pictures of chicks you wana bang or did bang in High School/College/at your Job, Funny Cat Pictures and did I mention PRON? The Internet also enabled all the 110 lb or 350 lb nerds/dorks/dweebs to finally become the e-tough guy that the real world wouldn’t allow them to do.

2)Beer- Beer is what made life before the Internets livable. I mean beer has given millions of people liquid courage to perform the greatest of feats- Allowing White Men to dance, Ugly people to get laid, Marriages to be Tolerable and Creepy Old Men the courage to hit on the hottest women in the bar.

3) College Football- Seriously is there a greater sport? College Football allows Tailgating and drinking beer for 12 hours as you watch young men play the great game of football. It also allows you to talk smack to the annoying coworker/boss after your team destroys their Alma Mater for the 8th time in 10 years.

4) Bewbies- The image to the left says it all.

5) HDTV- This invention is the greatest thing since the invention of the INTERNETS. Seriously watching Golf and Nature Shows has never been as entertaining. It’s caused many of my nights to be ruined because I become so fascinated by what is on the TV.


5) Rotten Milk- Seriously the thought of the smell makes me want to puke right now. Why did God ever want something so that is so tasty go bad? And Nothing is worse then waking up one morning and going to drink milk and its all spoiled- it just ruins your day.

4) Possums- Besides messing things up in sheds and garages, digging in my trash and having the neighbor's dog bark all night at them what do these over grown giant rats do? Give Me F**king Nightmares that’s what. Seriously I don’t think I will be able to sleep to night after seeing this possum picture.

3) Crazy Ex's - The Crazy Ex is one of those horrible surprises you get at the end of failed relationship. I have had all kinds of them- the one that stalks you until you have to call the cops; the one who calls you and then hangs up at all times of the day; The one who still acts like you are a couple years after you have broken up; and the one who for some reason looks like they are pissed off every time they see you. I would rather have hundreds of possums running through my house then to have to deal with another one of these.

2) Rush Hour Traffic- First of for some reason god makes me work for the man for a living then he puts me into this box which I am trapped in for hours either going to or from that hell they call my job. It would be so bad if there wasn’t commercial filled radio, asshats driving in a lane that’s been announced it was ending for 3 miles that cut you off with their asshat mega expensive car, and 90 grandmas driving in the left lane 20 miles under the speed limit.

1) Dancing with the Stars- Okay if I wanted to see a bunch of no talented want-to-be stars dance around like idiots I would get my friends drunk and take them the local country western bar. At least that would have some comical entertainment value.


Bond J. Bond said...

Cleaning the spittle of the flat screen - that's some funny shiite...

lank thompson said...

I whole-heartedly concur with your assessments.