Monday, June 4, 2007

Fourteen Year Old Kills 1,051 Pound UT Booster

WACO, TX (AP) - The McLennan County Sheriff's Department confirmed the death yesterday of Joe Roy Finley, an oilman, rancher, car dealer, and prominent UT booster.

Finley, 63, who was often featured in University of Texas athletic publications as a 'Super Fan', and was famous for his extremely large size and cat-like reflexes, proved to be no match for the 50-caliber pistol of James Ferguson, a fourteen-year old hunter prowling the back pastures of his father's ranch.

(AP) - James Ferguson poses with the kill

Ferguson shot Finley 12 times over the course of two hours, finally felling him after a long lunch break.

His father, Steve Ferguson, expressed pride in his son's acc

"We was just minding our own business, tendin' (sic) to our broke '52 Fairlane, when James he done (sic) says, 'Daddy, I seen (sic) somethin' big. Real big'. I told him that whatever's be (sic) back there ain't got no business being back there, so he should go after it," Ferguson said.

The death of Finley sent shockwaves through the UT athletic community, including several prominent alumni. "I'll never forget that summer I interned at his ranch," said Ricky Williams from his hillside hovel in backcountry Tibet. "It was all boobs and booze and pot and I got paid $23 an hour to make sure the back fence gate stayed shut. It was great. Enough deep background though. When are we going on the record?"

Ricky Williams - never the brightest feller.

Chris Simms, former quarterback, also had fond memories of time spent working for Finley.

"I remember the summer between my s
ophomore and junior years, Daddy didn't want me out past 8 o'clock, and Joe invited me to a party at his ranch one afternoon, and I was totally like, I can't even go, the parentals would be sooooooo pissed, and Joe was like, fuck your Daddy son, you're on your own now, and I was like, yeah, so I DID, and I went to the party and EVERYONE was there and we had sooooooo much fun and I didn't get home till almost 11:30 and I just ignored the messages Daddy had left for me and I didn't even call him the next day before breakfast!" Simms said. "Mr. Finley really showed me how to be independent, and I'll always appreciate that."

Simms - Fuck you Daddy!

The suddenness of Finley's death has obscured questions related to his reason's for being on the Ferguson's property. Speculation has been wild, and centered around the rumored visit Finley was planning on paying to hotly-recruited McGregor High School linebacker Hollis Ewing, whose family lives on property adjacent to the Ferguson's. The presence of a money bag with 150 pounds of silver bullion on the carcass of Finley has fueled the rumors.

Texas head coach Mack Brown had little to say about the situation, offering no comment at his only public appearance since the death of Finley.

The uproar has intensified the mini-celebrity of the Ferguson family, who received calls of congratulations from celebrities such as Dennis Francionne.

When told of the prominence of the kill, Ferguson expressed sympathy, but said he wasn't much of a University of Texas football fan. "It's in my blood to root against t.u., " he said. "We've moved the trailer all around this state, and I've made the kids go to all sorts of schools, but the one thing that's kept us together is our love of the Fightin' Texas Aggies."


Anonymous said...

That's hilarious!!!

Anonymous said...

"We've moved the trailer all around this state, and I've made the kids go to all sorts of schools, but the one thing that's kept us together is our love of the Fightin' Texas Aggies."