Thursday, November 13, 2008

Smack Attack

These are the salad days my friends. Actually, they’re more like the strip steak at Ruth’s Chris days. After years of hitting the buffet at Sizzler, we finally have a shot at the big time (the theme song from The Jeffersons just popped into my head). This is uncharted territory for many of us old timers, who suffered through years of 6&6 or 7&5 seasons, just hoping for an invitation to the Odoreaters Bowl in Paducah, Ky. on Dec. 10th. ( “Hey, are you going to the bowl game?” “Naw, I gotta clean the gutters.” "Going to watch it on tv? It's going to be on channel 87 at 2:00 a.m." "Nope. Gutters." ).

These unusual times have resulted in some unusual behavior for me. I find myself lingering around the doors of my fellow office workers who are UT grads talking college football. I no longer have to endure listening to them drone on and on about their wealth of talent and the all but assured shot they will have at the National Championship, with their occasional condescending acknowledgement of Tech’s good performance on Saturday against Northbynorthwest Polytech and Tech’s “spunky little running back who we looked at but passed up for Ricky Williams/Earl Campbell/Vince Young/Superman.” Even those arrogant clowns are having to acknowledge Tech as a legitimate contender. Scoreboard, baby. I find myself buying more and more stuff with a double T on it (I even bought my schnauzer a TT t shirt-don’t worry, he smells better than most t shirt fans).

One thing that is unusual for me is the fact I am spending more time on college football message boards. It's not that I haven't spent any time on them, because I have. But I am spending much more time reading them, when I should be doing meaningful stuff like billing hours, representing my client's interests and important crap like that (“Sorry Mr. Nusbaum, that $2,200,000.00 lawsuit will have to wait.”). I can’t help myself. Since I have been reading them so much throughout this season, I have detected certain patterns in the posts from our opponents that is growing rather tiresome. As a public service and a courtesy to our opponents, I thought I might summarize and categorize the aforementioned tiresome smack, and hopefully, save the folks at OU and Baylor the trouble.

1. “Tech Sucks”: We know, we know, you hate us, don’t respect us, etc. Fine by us…we’ll live. This category of smack ranges from the incredibly astute observation that Lubbock is flat (it is), to the claim that all of our coeds have sexually transmitted diseases (they don’t, at least not before I met them). Probably the most tiresome smack of this genre involves the fiction that people only go to Tech because they couldn’t gain admission to UT or A&M. This is a waste of time, fellow opponents, because it is not the truth. In fact, most of us never even applied to UT or A&M. In fact, we didn’t even “apply” to Tech. Most of us were actually given a choice by the tribunal of the relevant jurisdiction between going to prison, joining the Merchant Marine, or enrolling at Tech. I really thought about the Merchant Marine because I wanted to “see the World,” but Tech had better weed. Seriously, though, these claims don’t bother me. Hinging your self-worth on the approval of an Aggie or Longhorn is a risky proposition, and is akin to a wino seeking the approval of a crack whore.
2. “Tech Fans Are Thugs”: I never realized I was such a badass. Sure, I’ll knock a grandmother out of her wheelchair to steal her Social Security check. Hey, let’s not get judgmental here; have you seen the price of bourbon lately? Our opponents have us doing all types of deviltry to them when they visit the Jones, what with our hurling all manner of objects at them: batteries, foodstuffs, goalposts, pit bulls, nuclear waste, etc. You name it, we throw it. I really didn’t think these claims were true, because I haven’t witnessed this kind of stuff. But that’s probably because I’m busy outside the stadium selling government secrets to terrorists or ramming my heavy toed jackboot into the ribs of a third grader. So, I looked it up, and you know what? They’re right! I found that our not-so-esteemed alumni include Al Capone, Adolph Eichmann (he was low grade Tech scum, but Hitler was able to get into UT because he was real smart and all), Jeffrey Dahmer, Pol Pot (M.Ed.), John Hinkley, Rosie Ruiz, and the guy who invented “Clackers.” Worst of all, John Denver went there too. Given this, we’ll save you OU and Baylor folks the trouble and admit that we’re trash. Just plain old trash. Plain old 10-0 trash. Go tell somebody who gives a damn.

Note the color he's wearing. He looked better in scarlet. WRECK EM'!

3. “Tech’s ‘Gimmicky’ Offense”: Ok by me. It’s different, that’s for sure. The main difference? We’re winning. Tech finally has some semblance of a running game to help balance things out. Plus, they're playing some defense, so they're not losing the games they typically would in the pure “shoot out” days. Call it gimmicky if you like, but it’s fun to watch. You know, a few weeks ago, I tried to watch Penn State play Ohio State. I thought to myself “Let me see some real football. Some of that smash mouth, 3 plays - 9 yards and a cloud of dust stuff from the leather helmet days.” I switched the TV to some shopping channel after 30 minutes. I kept getting distracted by the lint in my belly button. By the way, I got a great deal on a blackjack and a pair of brass knuckles on QVC.
4. “Tech has no National Championships.” Our opponents like to remind us of this. A lot. Well, the UT folks like to, because they have several. I figure the OU folks might be laying this one on us soon, because they have a stinkload of them. Acknowledged. But don’t waste your time. This is a little like telling me your triple great grandmother came over on the Mayflower. What good is that going to do you now? I will admit, however, the Aggie smack in this regard is amusing, because they like to tell us about their National Championship. Note the singular, not plural, word at the end of the preceding sentence. It happened a long time ago. A very long time ago. Given the lack of temporal relevancy, this reminds me of my grandfather telling me about how, in his day, for just a nickel, you could get a hamburger, a “malted milk,” and a big house in Highland Park.
So, there you have it. Look what I’ve done for you! I’ve saved you time and innumerable keystrokes. We’ve heard it all, so don’t bother. Is there a way I can bill for this? I thought not.


Jason Roberts said...

Rosie Ruiz was going to go to Tech, but upon arrival in Lubbock at the airport, she ended up in a cab that took her to Wollforth.

And Pol Pot's thesis has been mysteriously sealed.

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