Tuesday, August 11, 2009

Riding the Moustache to Victory!

Recently, photos of Taylor Potts surfaced with him sporting a new look. Gone is the wooly-man lumberjack look. Say "hello" to the 70's style, funk-a-matic, porn-a-riffic moustache wearing badass! This was a very good move on Potts' part, for reasons I will detail below.

I've heard many people describe Potts' lip adornment as a "Handlebar" moustache. Wrong. As a product of the 60's and a child of the 70's (when the moustache reigned supreme), I feel it is my solemn duty to straighten you youngsters out a little. In general, let me first say that the moustache is greatness. Potts' stache' is greatness. Wilfred Brimley's stache' is uber greatness; it has a mind of its own. Chuck Norris would just be a TV assclown with a bad toupee were it not for his stache', which gives him his power. Know the stache'. Respect the stache'. Fear the stache'.

But too many people are mislabeling the stache' now sported by Potts. What Potts is wearing is not a handlebar moustache. A handlebar moustache turns at the edge of the mouth and curls up, and is usually twisted into a point, and sometimes waxed. This is a handlebar moustache (and a damned fine example of one too):

Obviously, the baddest Handlebar ever was worn by the great Rollie Fingers:

What Potts is wearing is a "Fu Manchu." A Fu Manchu turns down at the end of the mouth, and, if seen fit by the wearer, continues down. How far down is discretionary, but the farther down, the more of a bad dude is its wearer. I am eminently qualified to assess and categorize this stache' due to my existence during the 1970's, when this style of moustache was at its height of popularity. Dudes sporting the Fu Manchu were badasses. It was a way to tell off "the Man" without saying a word. A Fu Manchu didn't have to spring for dinner to get laid. A Fu Manchu said to the women "Hey, baby" and it didn't sound corny. To the guys, it just said "F**k you", and, it meant it.

Some fine examples of the 70's Fu Manchu were:

Baseball pitcher Al Hrabosky, the "Mad Hungarian" was a dude you didn't jack with.

Anybody cooler than this guy? (don't bother, your answer is irrelevent):

The awesome power of the Fu' carried over into the 80's. Lemme tell ya somethin', brotha, you didn't screw with a guy sporting one of these:

See? Hogan's stache' transcended time and easily carried over into the 80's. It's not a question of keeping it too long, it's really more an issue of not getting one early enough. Timing is everything, my friends. Case in point:

C'mon...you think anybody would have given a damn about a little bong hit if he'd been sporting this bad boy in Beijing? Forget about it! Hell, those self-righteous dorks who were pulling their endorsement contracts would have been lining up for a little toke themselves if this was the guy they'd signed with.

The power of the moustache does not just pertain to sports...it crosses all fields of human endeavor. Let's consider the arts. Who would buy this guy's psychotic sketches were it not for the badness of his stache'?:

Want some more? Ok: get a load of this crap. Let's face it, my 12 year old can paint circles around this dude's primitive scribbles:

What makes it sell? Yep, the stache': (It should be noted that Neiman's badass stache' not only helps him peddle substandard art, it also got him a gig in Rocky III, along with our friend Hogan discussed above. All such fortuitous casting decisions were cleary attributable to some cool as hell facial hair).

Certainly, the world of politics is no stranger to the power of the stache'. You want examples? Well, fair enough. This guy was a bedwetting, asthmatic, nearsighted mama's boy, and, it's rumored, maybe even a closet homo (not that's there's anything wrong with that). Yet, he grew up to be President of these fine United States:
Do we even need to ask how? No, we don't. (Collar stays were optional back then).

Of course, you recognize this little teutonic troublemaker. Can you imagine how bad it could have gotten had he let that abomination under his nose actually grow into a full-fledged Fu Manchu?

Not to worry, though. Many of you don't know this, but much like the Manhatten Project, we had a team of top scientists and barbers locked away in a bunker devising a counter weapon to Hitler's formidable semi-stache' power. This was the result:Thankfully, we managed to beat the Hun conventionally before we had to unleash the awesome power of this magnificent development upon the world.

The power of the moustache transcends man, and pervades the animal kingdon as a whole. This little dude weighs only 2.3 pounds, but he could really mess you up, and he gets all the females in the troop. One guess why:

The power of the Fu or the Handlebar in sports is inarguable. Many sports badasses, across all athletic disciplines, have invoked the power of the Fu or HB to their gain: Thurmon Munson, Catfish Hunter, Randy Johnson, Rollie Fingers, Reggie Jackson, Dennis Eckersley (See? They didn't need no stinkin' steroids, they had the stache'), John Newcomb, Dr. J, Dale Earnhart, Joe Namath, Randy White, Kenny Stabler, Ben Davidson (one of my all time favorite football badasses). I could go on and on, but you get the point. Potts was correct to rid himslf of the full-blown beard. Some cool QB's have had beards (Dan Fouts, for example). But the moustache is far preferable as a statement of Potts' "badassedness."

So, there you have it my friends. I was buying into all the preseason predictions that had Tech with an 8 win season, until I saw this:

Again, let me reemphasize, while UT has this:

... Tech has this:

Now I know, a National Championship is all but assured. I can't wait for the season to start.


Anonymous said...

Agreed. Victory is now assured!

Anonymous said...

Greatness! (Both the article & the 'stache)

DMack said...

The power of the stache is indeed great, little did I know of the Fu's greatness until today. Thank you for the enlightening.

Anonymous said...

Excellent synopsis, sir! I'm in complete agreement. Look out Big 12! Macho Man Potts, his stache and his rocket arm cometh for the record books!

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