The Going Price of a Butt Whuppin'

As I was listening to the Eastern Washington game this past weekend, I heard one of the radio commentators mention that Eastern Washington was going to receive $450,000.00 for playing the game against Tech. The commentator also mentioned what some of the other Big XII schools were paying their non-BCS rivals that weekend. Florida Atlantic was getting like $900,000.00 to get bitch-slapped by the Horns. It got me to thinking about the economics of it all. Sure, “Buy Games” are nothing new. But, candidly, I never really like to think about the money part of this institution we love so much. I prefer to live in collegiate football “La La Land” where the players are true “student athletes.” I want to believe Michael Crabtree got his Escalade from a summer job making sundaes at the Dairy Queen. Humor me. Still, this “Rent-a- Punk” arrangement has raised a couple of questions and has me intrigued.

The first question is why would Tech pay somebody to come and play them in the first place? Four hundred fifty thousand bucks is not like some coupons to Crickets; that’s a lot of scratch, at least to me it is. Of course, the answer is obvious: since there are no preseason games at the college level, BCS teams need somebody to practice up on, and, to boost the overall win record for the season. One might wonder why the non-BCS school would go for it. Again, the answer is obvious: in the words of the great legal scholar Frito Pendejo :”I like money.” Besides, the kids from the non-BCS school get to see a stadium that holds more people than their school’s entire attendance over a ten year period, with a Jumbotron and everything. Additionally, the non-BCS school gets a little bit of exposure, although I’m not sure how much you want to be exposed losing by 40. Besides, they never know when they might catch lightning in a bottle and pull an Appalachian State number on somebody.

But the bigger question to me is: what do you get for your money? I mean, this deal is supposed to be a guaranteed win for the BCS school; and not just a win, but a lopsided one. So what happens when the deal goes awry? Tech was supposed to win a lot easier than they did, and probably by more points. At some point, one had to wonder : “Don’t these guys understand the arrangement? They’re making us work too hard. Should we get some sort of discount?” Conversely, if there some sort of really bad ass kicking administered, like Oklahoma’s treatment of Chattanooga this weekend, is there a “whuppass multiplier” where OU has to pay a little extra for each point scored over a certain number? Of course, maybe some schools, like “you know who,” should get a refund.




"$500,000.00 for this?!?! I thought we had a deal!"






Of course, being a money grubbin’ lawyer, I’m always trying to figure out a way to parlay an idea into more cash. I think this concept might have some applications elsewhere for Tech, maybe where we could turn a profit. Who has the best hockey team in college? Minnesota? We have an intramural hockey program, right? I say slap some Tech sweaters on them and send them up to the Twin Cities for a little old Northern hospitality. What’s wrong with our kids getting body checked out of a spleen in exchange for a few hundred large? A reverse butt whip could also work. I hear Tech has a really good meat judging team. Supposedly, they can differentiate a Porterhouse from a T-Bone at 50 yards in .2 seconds. We’re all so proud of them. I’m thinking we agree to overlook some gristle or maybe a little tapeworm action in exchange for, say, a small honorarium of $100,000.00, to lose to Okie Lite. Well, why not? They have the money to spend. T. Boone Pickens, the Dan Halen of college sports, could then buy the exclusive rights to the name “T Bone,” drop the extra “o” and make himself seem much cooler.

But this has potential outside of college sports. What if I need to impress a client with a big win in court? If some baby lawyer fresh out of school needs some bucks to pay off those loans, what’s the harm in my slipping him a little cash to not try too hard? Most attorneys don’t let a little thing like The Rules of Professional Conduct (number 1.06 to be precise), stand between them and winning. My oldest son outweighs my youngest daughter by nearly 100 pounds. But, he’s pretty mild mannered. My youngest daughter is quite a pisser, and I suspect she could take him in a no-holds-barred throw down brawl. I might not want his ego bruised when the next fight comes around. I bet she’d ensure a dive for some Hannah Montana tickets.

I’m making the trip up to Reno this weekend. With gambling, all-you-can-eat buffets and legalized prostitution, it ought to be a fun trip for all. Bring the kids! However, a convincing win will make it much better. I hope UN-Reno gets the check in time.